mmmcclxxxiii

The Big Blue Box of Memorabilia
(part one: wherein I begin to describe to you
some of what I feel about memory.)

     I don’t want to live
     As if living were a way of acquiring things
                                          —Alli Warren

I find our various means and methods of retaining memory
incredibly curious, bizarre, frustrating and also of utmost relevance. 

so much of who we are is twinned with how we go about remembering,
and while much of these inner workings transpire on sub-levels, or 

are generally outside of our consciousness, and it must be noted that 

even these, the subconscious tactics we have, individually, of retaining 

memory, are incredibly disparate, the variety of natural methods or

ways in which we each go about keeping the important stuff with us

on some level, without even thinking about how we are doing it, are,

from everything I have seen and studied, so disparate, that our indivi-

dual modes of keeping these memories with us could be said to be 

personalities in and of themselves.  but as usual I am getting away

from what I mean to say, which is that the devices we use to cog-

nizantly assist ourselves to keep in our heads that which we may

need or want at some point later, whatever methods we might

utilize in doing so, and the list could be close to endless, well, I

strongly believe that our processes of accomplishing this is, in 

relation to all and every other thing that we do, as individuals,

these ways in which we go about consciously accumulating each

of the countless moments which we, in a split second choose

to try to (or try not to) remember, to keep for future reference, 

are of such importance that they are the foundation upon who we 

are, they are central to who I am.  for this profound reason, I try to keep

at least some focus on, some awareness on that process at all times.  in 

fact, I believe it imperative that I do so, inasmuch as it is possible.

that is, I always use all means necessary to keep my focus upon 

the mechanism that has me scraping the residue out of certain 

aspects, certain moments, as they are transpiring. all of the

things I pack away for any future use, in case I need to

remember something, so to speak.  and this I do no matter 

what else I may be doing.  I believe that what we use to coax

our bodies and our minds into keeping recollections of these

moments with us until long after an event actually occurs, 

that is the key; it is in fact everything.  each moment I encounter

in life soon becomes something so ephemeral, it becomes 

a piece of the past; and the accumulation of all of these 

moments equals who I am.  at any moment.  and at each

subsequent moment each of us evolves into something 

that is unique, that carries us into the next moment, in

which, once again, we are a different being than the

one who had only just previously been, and so on.  if I

am sounding repetitive, so be it, then the repetition itself

become the thread that holds it all together.  for maintaining 

an awareness of this process, of its existence and of the mech-

anics by which it operates, IS therefore everything.  it becomes 

me.  it is me.  the very act of remembering anything is my function, 

my purpose, is what gets me there, there being the hopeful and 

hopefully best possible next location, next moment, next me.  it 

would be impossible, for me or for anyone else, to retain a mem-

ory of each and every experience within each and every moment

in which we live.  so, if one at least builds an awareness of this pro-

cess, then one can consistently alter one’s trajectory, in ways, and 

this won’t always be the case, but as life goes on, if one keeps one

eye on this residue-plucking, upon what we are doing to what we collect,

with a mind on the reason, as I have suggested, and if one always maintains 

a particular and a practical focus on keeping as much of what we take

for use in future moments, one does live and learn, one does, in a 

general sense, get better at doing just that, this collecting with a

specific aim, and so in doing thus, in being thus, we are always 

altering our paths, tweaking our courses in ways both subtle and

overt, minute and gargantuan, that keep us on real and ideal, on a

road that takes us to the right moments, better ones overall.  i mean,

if we are disciplined enough they will, lead us to the better and 

possibly best places,  if this is how I spend a majority of my existence, 

always with any eye on remembering, and how I am remembering, 

then this being aware of the need to remember what we may actually

need in order that we may keep the movement going, exponent-

ially, and at an incline towards up, rather than a decline towards

something less or worse than what we just experienced, then we 

are always finding ways to better retain, and hence, always be-

coming better, always bettering, experiencing life with the

most satisfaction and pleasure and good that we we can

possibly muster.  figuring out how to increase this awareness

in such a way that it allows us to somehow discern what it is

that we should be retaining in the first place. it’s a process, it
never ends, and it give me a growing sense of purpose. it
clarifies my mission, allows me to hone in on my every goal,

and is always a paradox, a conundrum, a riddle. it is always

exploring impossibilities to get at possibilities, and to con-

tinually twist the mind in order to keep up with this in-

credible never-ending task of always being just on the

verge: of insanity, of dispersion, of irreconcilability, of 

truth, of love, of nirvana, of eternity.  and believe me,

this process keeps me satisfied enough, or at the very least, 

has me knowing that I am living as right as I can at most every 

turn. and, crucially, that I am doing my best and only getting

better.  doubt can overwhelm this journey, can reduce

visibility, but I believe in this process, and it is for this

reason that I write, it is why I am a writer, above all else,

it is how I can call myself a poet.  I write to remember.

and while it might seem a rather selfish thing, this always

bettering myself, always remembering what I have been

through, it can be terribly selfish and the way can be

suffocating, lonely, heartbreakingly so, at times. what in the

end keeps me from dizzily flailing about in a labyrinth

of self is my belief that memory is not only something an

individual retains to improve self but it is also a thing which

you and I carry together, so that we accumulate memory together

for and with our families, for and with our communities,

for and with our our species, and for and with all that is,

which is the vast home in which we live and of which every-

thing, living and unliving, is a part; and the whole of the

universe and all of the vast expanse that is, was and shall be.

it is all always evolving into something exactly not what it 

presently is, and will never be at all what it has been up to

now, and it will not be what it will be without your existence

nor without the existence of who you see here before you,

which I call myself.  we are of such importance that without 

you, or without me, without us, without who I am and who

you are and who we are together, each of us simply would

not be.  and, like I said, I find this incredibly important

and relevant, it shapes me, has me working as diligently

as is even possible, at doing whatever it is that is the best

that I am and can be.  it is not necessary that you feel

the way that I do about these things, but it is something

I am more than happy to relay. and on such a beautiful day

as today, what a better way to spend time than engaging 

with another human? no matter what your perspective 

on any of what I say to you now, how might I ever 

feel the kinship that exists, the magnetic pull, that exists 

between the two of us if I were at this alone?  it would 

be impossible for me to think for more than the

briefest moment that I am alone in this adventure, this

accumulation of our remembrances that keep us, like

ships’ compasses, always aware of from whence we

have come, of where we are at this very moment, 

and of the most appropriate course we are to take 

as we move forward.

(to be continued: for more of the story, drop by tomorrow)