A Practical Guide to Engagement and
the Awareness of the Good Fortune of
Experiencing It with Glorious Luxury(A Sort of How To Primer)
I remember when engagement was camaraderie
and could, by necessity, mean nothing of the
business of family building. However, rather than
a melancholic thing, it was instead a rather giddy
situation, it made me feel so special, like a some
what (because we weren’t alone, we’d seek each
other out; and this club instead seemed much more
rooted in a particular kind of inebriation—but that’s a
bit of a separate subject, actually) unique member of
an exclusive club that had a secret handshake or some
such. When did this all change, I wonder today. I’m
happy to inform, or firstly to have learned that there
doesn’t seem to be what I previously had always
imagined to have been a sort of general overwhelming
feeling of the particular way of looking at this one word,
at its ramifications. I was happy to leave that sort of
engagement be, as it were. This was my way–simply a
way of getting to know a person or a group of persons
deeper and further, and of exploring values, others’ as
well as mine, of sometimes getting a bit red-faced doing
so, and on occasion getting upset. Though the underlying
giddiness was always still somehow at its foundation.
That I was happy that it did not, instead, involve
diamonds, no rings with which to imprison whichever
appropriate finger, and certainly no kneeling, no pose
of commercial value, no symbol that was to encapsulate
the beginning, the forever of it all, and no judgment on
the tastefulness or tastelessness of the choice, of jewelry,
of the perfect location wherein to make this risky endeavor,
no knowing what the response might be, and it goes on in
such ways that anxiety might only be exponentially grown
just for this particular time in space, for this one act, this
one goal, this one endeavor for which the outcome is but
unknown. Boy, did that sound like something I was happy
never to have to worry about. Nobody would have convinced
me that this might not only be possible in some not-so-distant
now, but that it might also be met with almost no anxiety. Sure,
there’s always a little bit in such circumstances, but there needs
to be none, and this can be and, believe it or not, can really be
accomplished by turning the whole thing into something that is
unique as, to you, the notion that today, for now, we can very
much do this thing. I’m afforded this opportunity that couples
throughout history have been, to participate in that act of some
how making it official. The fact that I can do this has perhaps
helped troubles that arise during these sets of traditional rituals,
or will help them, subside over time. But who cares if they
help others. I’m here to say that, while remaining giddy,
but remaining practical, I’ve honed this process into some
thing of my own, something that, once discussed, once
I’ve engaged with that person with whom I want to be
engaged, can become almost sublime, through the process
and to the finish, an enlightening growth experience, one
of the most important steps in life, should one choose to
make it yours. To make that ours, I began with a series
of questions that, after knowing my person long enough, I
have come to understand are some of the most difficult
questions to ask, the scariest ones, the ones that scare us
the most, and those practical questions which up until now,
and without some forethought, one might never think of,
but yet not asking them might cause many more problems
as we progress through this dance than if they had instead
been brought up to begin with. Ask each question straight
forwardly, begin directly at the top of the hour, before the
small talk of a meeting between two minds can even begin.
It is pretty amazing how a few seemingly risky questions such
as these might work to bring the two of you quite instantly
together, and rather than cause anger or nerves, what might be
felt are peace, contentment and confidence. This little exercise
really works to bring you closer, to alleviate fear, even when
an answer isn’t what you want to hear. Surprising how
acknowledging fear is a delicate but splendid state within
which to exist. Perhaps go further by digging deep,
especially if you find a particularly sore spot. Don’t dwell
there for very long, though, never end it with the fear.
Be sure to close out your meetings on a completely
different elevated and positive subject in which to
summarize or just divert in such a way to leave the
thoughts open about what has just been discussed.
No closure, no official anything at first, just an opening
of the two minds, yours and your love’s. Begin to reduce
the possibility of risk with what you say and suggest and
ask, dig less, point out possibilities more, perhaps on a
subject that is not quite relevant to the overall theme of
your hopeful meeting. Better yet, stay on the subject. It
will make your last words before parting ways for a while
more important, more relevant, more thoughtworthy. But
you can learn how to, rather than say them, to manipulate,
perhaps mold the conversation into something worth
while. This is not a solo effort, by the way. This, in
fact, could be the end of the solo effort as you have
come to know it. This can coerce fierce independence
into being a love affair beyond what it already was,
and into one that is even more profoundly independent,
more solemnly fierce, yet one that paradoxically cannot
exist without this newfound commitment, this couplehood.
Sound too bizarre to be true? Try it. Oh, to be both proud
and participatory, in individuation, but also with the person
you love and with whom you’ve suddenly found yourself
in a commitment of whatever sort. A commitment with
the notion of an indefinite duration. To love someone to
death sounds like a squeeze, sounds like murder, but
no one is performing this death upon the other, it is the
finite that makes infinity a commitment. It just means
that you will both as one and individually grow and grow
in presently incomprehensible intimate and not-so-intimate
ways. That intimacy will continue physically, more than
likely, in ways unimaginable to the both of you up to this
point, until that intimacy is no longer possible. The same
can be said for non-physical intimacy: connections heretofore
unimagined will bind the two of you together in ways that
will go beyond that date of the impossibility of non-physical.
Forget for the moment the question of who will leave this
world first. Too much life remains one huge mass of
unknown. Praise be to that, I say. And you will too, I
confidently feel. What’s the difference between
this or that so-called engagement? One might say
semantics, and this that I’m saying to you has began
with that notion. My fiance wants me in signed and
sealed perpetuity, but our lives meander elsewhere
for periods of time, and he is also fine with that. But
time and time again we are back to just us two, no one
else, huddled as one, or rising in victory above the throngs
we laugh at, saying they just don’t get it, just don’t get us,
just don’t get it right, or we’re hanging out with our new
circle of friends and acquaintances who, with us, engage
into the depths of the day or night on some silly singular
subject. And what we become from each of those moments
is so dependent upon that engagement with those new friends
and new acquaintances, so we climb peaks and practically
roll into valleys, hand in hand sometimes, less engaged
than we are solidly fused into a foundation we have
become by this genuine growth. This education as
a couple that is impossible to get individually. My
fiance and I are engaged to be married, as if we
already are experiencing the fulness, as well as
the continued independence of individually content
human beings of such fortuitous architecture and
engineering, both together and apart. We are fused
by love, it can be seen and we do most deeply feel
and know this. It is this presence and this absence
that makes our long and wonderful engagement what
we both genuinely feel (and sometimes talk about for
hour upon hour) the best of all possible relationships.
To ourselves, to our community and world, all of the
best, such that the anxiety-riddled people we once
were are but a thankful remembrance, a nostalgia
for that (and isn’t this all nostalgia) which we are
thankful to remember and about which we so
appreciate the luxury that it will never be either
of us again.
