Competition becomes one of the great opacities of
confusion and of anger at times (when I allow some
semblance of expectation, when it appears to my
ignorant pea-headedness—on such matters—I would
refuse to say that I in general exhibit a pea-headedness—
and how ridiculous that statement is considering let’s call
pea-headedness ditziness and it’s a whole new ballgame.
Is it my imagination that I’m a ditz? It’s one typecast that
I have worked over so much time in order to—and here
is where I’m not 100% sure I’m being real, as this could
be some sort of excuse, albeit subconsciously, refusing
to believe (and I don’t, I believe I come across as ridicul
ously pea-headed at perhaps a majority of time until people
[please until people get to know me] get to know me, right?)
Oh, I don’t know. Who does that anymore? That novel of freak
ishly freaky tales of one so-called interview after another after
another after another, and then getting the feedback I request at
the end of I’d say each and every interview I’ve had for months now –
if not all of them, then most of them, “Do you have any questions for
me?” “Why, yes, I do. The first one is a bit more difficult for me
to ask, and yet, what would you say, in the short time that we’ve
had together, if anything, is an obstacle or obstacles I might have
getting from here to filling this role?” I find that, while the answers
are couched in all sorts of supposed compliments, which are helpful
too, the nitty gritty comes. And quite often that nitty gritty happens
to be a phrase or something similar to what I have heard countless
times since the beginning of my time interviewing (and before) (but of
me?” “Why, yes, I do. The first one is a bit more difficult for me
to ask, and yet, what would you say, in the short time that we’ve
had together, if anything, is an obstacle or obstacles I might have
getting from here to filling this role?” I find that, while the answers
are couched in all sorts of supposed compliments, which are helpful
too, the nitty gritty comes. And quite often that nitty gritty happens
to be a phrase or something similar to what I have heard countless
times since the beginning of my time interviewing (and before) (but of
my time interviewing and then having the wherewithal to ask for such
feedback). This question goes way back. I am, as I prefer to call it,
overly enthusiastic. It can also be called: you seemed to interject
a lot, you speak too fast, you meander, you talk over others. I have,
I think, learned to control this, for the most part. My therapist
says that I have “pressured speech.” This was a new one to me,
but makes perfect sense. It is often associated with bipolar dis
order or schizophrenia. In my case, it seems to be anxiety that
is the root of the problem. Isn’t that the root of so many of my
problems? She likes to explain it as my brain just being faster
than most everyone else’s (this was my father’s excuse, by the
way, for why he spoke so slowly that I would finish his sentences
for him, much to his square-wheeled sentence delivery conster
nation). Well, okay. I can live with a problem that could also
be considered a compliment. But, oh, the problems this has
caused. It was exacerbated by things I had no real control
to change quickly, and so now, at 55 years old, I have a
medical term for the problem that seems to have kept me
from getting a job for all these years in the easy manner in
which I always had been accustomed when I was younger;
I have all but eliminated this nightmare of an issue. Could
a lot, you speak too fast, you meander, you talk over others. I have,
I think, learned to control this, for the most part. My therapist
says that I have “pressured speech.” This was a new one to me,
but makes perfect sense. It is often associated with bipolar dis
order or schizophrenia. In my case, it seems to be anxiety that
is the root of the problem. Isn’t that the root of so many of my
problems? She likes to explain it as my brain just being faster
than most everyone else’s (this was my father’s excuse, by the
way, for why he spoke so slowly that I would finish his sentences
for him, much to his square-wheeled sentence delivery conster
nation). Well, okay. I can live with a problem that could also
be considered a compliment. But, oh, the problems this has
caused. It was exacerbated by things I had no real control
to change quickly, and so now, at 55 years old, I have a
medical term for the problem that seems to have kept me
from getting a job for all these years in the easy manner in
which I always had been accustomed when I was younger;
I have all but eliminated this nightmare of an issue. Could
this be why I’m suddenly getting a slew of interviews? Only
time will tell. There have been many false alarms thus
far in my illustrious non-career. Or my career ellipsis.
But, since this is happy month, I vow here and now to
not make it a career dead end. Much as I have had
interminably strong thoughts in that direction over
the past half a dozen years, most especially. So, I
think my third interview this morning went well.
Tomorrow morning, there is yet another first int
erview. And I’ve spent the evening sending out
new applications, letters of interest and resumes.
Chin up, fingers crossed, positive attitude, and
off we go again. Updates to follow. As always.
time will tell. There have been many false alarms thus
far in my illustrious non-career. Or my career ellipsis.
But, since this is happy month, I vow here and now to
not make it a career dead end. Much as I have had
interminably strong thoughts in that direction over
the past half a dozen years, most especially. So, I
think my third interview this morning went well.
Tomorrow morning, there is yet another first int
erview. And I’ve spent the evening sending out
new applications, letters of interest and resumes.
Chin up, fingers crossed, positive attitude, and
off we go again. Updates to follow. As always.
