i believe that most all of us have at least one thing,
if not several, that we think of, for whatever odd
or reasonable reasons we might, as our deepest,
darkest secret(s). and of those self-styled never-
tells, we most all of us probably spend the best
portion of our days making sure (as best as we
possibly can, that is) that nary an additional soul,
so far as it is within our grasp of control, will ever
know this deeply hidden stuff. my guess is, though,
that most of these secrets are hardly sinister, if even
in the least; in fact, they’d no doubt more rightly
be dubbed our deepest, darkest embarrassments.
“if i tell you this, you must promise never to tell
another soul. you must swear it!” and it turns
out to be such a ridiculously silly thing. like i
once kissed so and so at the prom, but we were
both on dates with other people. what a doozy,
right? perhaps i should not poke fun, lest you
think i am being serious. another one might be
i threw a rock at the kid on the monkey bars who
wound up with a broken shin because of it, and
that furthermore some other kid got blamed for
the injurious act of schoolyard bullying. if there
were a metric system for sinister, most folks’
atrocious moments would be rather miniscule
on said scale. sure, everything is relative, and
each secret would be in its own unique spot on
the vector, such that there would be things that
caused individuals such a lifetime of consternation
and yet that issue or problem might live at the very
low end of this scale. so paltry the cause of so much
anxiety that i just want to shake it out of whomever
and yell into his or her eyeballs 'JUST LIVE YOUR
LIFE HAPPY!' as they have certainly spent an
absurd amount of life worrying over what i
would, and with ease, call a bunch of hooey;
loads and loads of nothing. of course, as one
might climb that vector higher and yet higher
one might then start to encounter some things
that even i myself might find distasteful. i mean,
first, of course, there would be such iniquities as
white lies. later up one might find running over
a neighbors poor pug with your parents' ltd landau.
let me state right here and now that i would put
a fairly stout condition of objectivity onto said
scale. as this exercise is elucidating, or at least i
would assume it is, one person’s heinous is yet
another’s laughing matter. but onward up the
scale one would surely find such things as
infidelity, for example. and that would in all
ways that logic might have one traveling that vector
quite a distance before reaching somewhere at the apex,
if not very near it, with, say, murder. are you with me so far?
but we’re not all murderers and hardcore thieves, are
we? as one example that comes to my mind, most
of us, when it comes to commitment with other people,
i would venture to wager, are pretty loyal. wait, now that
i think on that notion a bit more, i believe i just flat-
out lied. or i led you on. prevarication. see, i am
accumulating things i should regret, or at least
consider immoral. am i right? i think that was me
projecting myself onto others just a wee bit, at least
once i put my brain to it a bit more. based on my own
personal experience, that is, but not much else. (in fact,
one could call of this assemblage of lines a ‘projection
collage,’ i suppose). i do err toward the belief that
most everyone in a committed relationship of any
sort has had at least a somewhat substantial
indiscretion, if not several, during their said
commitments, their relationships. but that’s just me.
i do have my reasons for thinking so darkly. and i have
come to see that i’m quite the odd person out when it
comes to my own personal beliefs in such matters.
but then there’s the sticky issue of logic. certainly
just about anyone who ever knew me at all, and
for decades, would have the luxury of getting
a headache’s worth of my diatribe about this
belief, based of course on my logic: that sex,
commitment and love are wholly separate,
and that either of these, singly, do not need
any reliance upon, or have anything whatsoever
to do with the the the other two. each can exist
just fine singularly. and i would go on and on
about this, even relaying my own personal
examples of each possible scenarios. so, if
two or more individuals decide they want
to set off on a long-term thing, the only thing
they would need in order to make it something
intent upon lasting is commitment, which is
some sort of contract with each other.
those days have been gone for a while now. the
ones in which i would have anyone around me to
begin with, much less anyone who might tolerate
me going on and on about this or that. it is not
necessarily that my beliefs on the subject have
changed so much. it's just that i cannot be certain
anymore, if ever i even was, how to put such a
theory smoothly into practice. it all still makes
sense to me, though. but i have much to figure
come to see that i’m quite the odd person out when it
comes to my own personal beliefs in such matters.
but then there’s the sticky issue of logic. certainly
just about anyone who ever knew me at all, and
for decades, would have the luxury of getting
a headache’s worth of my diatribe about this
belief, based of course on my logic: that sex,
commitment and love are wholly separate,
and that either of these, singly, do not need
any reliance upon, or have anything whatsoever
to do with the the the other two. each can exist
just fine singularly. and i would go on and on
about this, even relaying my own personal
examples of each possible scenarios. so, if
two or more individuals decide they want
to set off on a long-term thing, the only thing
they would need in order to make it something
intent upon lasting is commitment, which is
some sort of contract with each other.
those days have been gone for a while now. the
ones in which i would have anyone around me to
begin with, much less anyone who might tolerate
me going on and on about this or that. it is not
necessarily that my beliefs on the subject have
changed so much. it's just that i cannot be certain
anymore, if ever i even was, how to put such a
theory smoothly into practice. it all still makes
sense to me, though. but i have much to figure
out about it all, given that i have not only lost
practice debating the matter, but it seems
like an eternity since i have had the luxury
or opportunity to put the theory into practice.
not that i would care to, necessarily. since for
now, at least, such ideas are all but senseless.
and while it has become terribly trite of me to
say, it appears that i have gotten sidetracked.
i started off on the subject of the silliness of
most of our most tucked away, hidden secrets.
and, indeed, how silly most surely must be, with
some rare exceptions. if, for example, fede’s
deepest secret is that he didn’t plant a row
of potatoes in the garden back when he was,
say, ten years old, and instead only planted
two rows (when it was vividly requested that
he plant three. . .), and in your later years you
revealed that secret to me as if it were the
worst of all possible things, would that not
practice debating the matter, but it seems
like an eternity since i have had the luxury
or opportunity to put the theory into practice.
not that i would care to, necessarily. since for
now, at least, such ideas are all but senseless.
and while it has become terribly trite of me to
say, it appears that i have gotten sidetracked.
i started off on the subject of the silliness of
most of our most tucked away, hidden secrets.
and, indeed, how silly most surely must be, with
some rare exceptions. if, for example, fede’s
deepest secret is that he didn’t plant a row
of potatoes in the garden back when he was,
say, ten years old, and instead only planted
two rows (when it was vividly requested that
he plant three. . .), and in your later years you
revealed that secret to me as if it were the
worst of all possible things, would that not
be silly? would i say, “wow, martha,
I think you should have tried a little
bit of infidelity, you know? just for
the experience, for what you might
learn from such a thing, perhaps for
the fun of it, even.”
then martha took her last breath.
although her eyes looked right up
at me as if i’d said something that
could possibly have killed her. i
look down now at her lifeless eyes
and say, “you’re really silly, martha.
you are such a silly human being.”
then I leave martha’s lifeless body
in the bed of her wonderfully furn
ished home and head out to a fancy
new sushi place that is the talk of
the town. because i have a date
with new hottie in town named
stan. and this is a plan that has
been solid for a few weeks now.
I think you should have tried a little
bit of infidelity, you know? just for
the experience, for what you might
learn from such a thing, perhaps for
the fun of it, even.”
then martha took her last breath.
although her eyes looked right up
at me as if i’d said something that
could possibly have killed her. i
look down now at her lifeless eyes
and say, “you’re really silly, martha.
you are such a silly human being.”
then I leave martha’s lifeless body
in the bed of her wonderfully furn
ished home and head out to a fancy
new sushi place that is the talk of
the town. because i have a date
with new hottie in town named
stan. and this is a plan that has
been solid for a few weeks now.
