mmmcmxvii

Big News

Excuse me! Excuse me!?

I’ve got gigantic news. I

have swapped careers. No

longer will my job involve

frigidity. No longer will I

chair the Department of

Scorched Earth. Who

here remembers that

duration of fertility

which we once

called Spring?

Probably not.

Nevertheless,

I’ve big news to

relay to you. Which

will, I hope, in fact, 

I trust, enrich each

and all of you, my

lovely employees.

Believe you me,

you’ll feel a warmth

in your hearts, a pep

in your step, within

days, perhaps even

beginning right this

moment, a certain

warmth down here

where it counts, a

pride in your work

that you all once

felt in ignorance,

perhaps, but

soon, thereafter,

lost like the vapor

of a lake that, over

time, evaporates

into a desiccated

trough that looks

from above as if a

monstrous giant

punched its fist

once, and hard,

into the earth.

So here’s what’s

happening, listen

intently, and revel

in the elation that

you will assuredly

begin to feel as

this news begins

to sink in.... a)

Your blank

canvas will be

as if a walk—a

veritable airy skip—

across the surface of

the moon; b) Cellists

will heretofore be allowed,

nay, be required, to pass

your office existences in

uniform. These are being

designed as I relay this to

you, and I am giddy to

inform you that the

uniform design is

based roughly on

that of a monk’s

robe. Hold your

applause, please.

Hold your applause.

c) At the after-party

directly following this

announcement, we must

all meet under the huge tent

that has just gone up over

Parklets 24Z, 34B, and 81T.

While there will be plenty of

goodies, I have been given the

okay to relay that among them

will be bottomless margaritas

that have been infused with

the grated hearts of the

earth’s last remaining

mountain lions; d) No 

more nurseries at dawn.

Rather, we’ve enlisted 

the assistance of—well,

in truth we just today

finalized the purchase

of the company—the

hot, revolutionary neo-

consortium of artificial

intelligentsia, The Handy

Nannies. e) This one is

just a clue to a lovely game

we’ve in store for everyone

in the department. Ready?

The tooth of wisdom lies

among the ancient (tooth

less) stables; f) Jack,

you’re a peach. I

love you. And,

finally, g) Re:

the light that

enriches our

souls...that’s

right! Each of

you will be going

home with your

very own depart

mental lantern!

Yes, now, well,

let this all soak

in a bit, but while

it does, please make

your way out to the

parklet tent. I shall

see you all there!