Wow, I should get out
and enjoy the world.
What has been my
problem. A reversal
from extrovert to in
trovert? At home
testing does not
support that poss
ibility. But I have
been a veritable
hermit now for
approaching five
years. Nearly ten
if I count my last
years at home and
my two years with
out a home, even
though I was gen
erally more sur
rounded by people
during those years
than I have been
during the past five
since I have had my
new small apartment.
I keep to myself, except
during interviews and the
small stints I have had of
unemployment. I speak
with therapists, psycholo
gists, recruiters, and var
ious doctors and, on occ
asion, speak to the front
desk personnel here at
my SRO, or to the case
manager assigned to me
at this location. So my
obvious need to often
surround myself with
warm bodies, as well as
my rejuvenating penchant
for long discussions with
friends – a luxury I do not
have anymore, at least not
in proximity, for reasons that
have both unnerved me and
perplexed me now for years,
a problem which has me un
able to move either backwards,
toward those with whom I was
so well acquainted, or forwards,
to acquaint myself with new ones –
has been non-existent for so long
now that I would not even know
where to or how to begin again.
I know that I must learn how,
somehow, because this is not
the way I feel is my best way.
In fact, that is often what I
mean when I have said for
several years now that this
is not living, or that I cannot
wait to get back to living. It
is the need to have the close
ness of people to me, people
for whom I care. I have main
tained a very few (three) close
friends, one being my mother,
so that’s family. Maybe there
are four. In either case, neither
are in the city in which I live, so
there is absolutely no face-to-face
conversations with people who know
me well. Whom I know well, also.
None of that. This has been the
obstacle, the reason that I have
continued to say that I am not
living. But the fact of the matter
is I am alive. And while it’s been
the most difficult uphill haul with
which I’ve ever had to climb, I
am still here. So what’s my
problem? There’s a shitload
left to do. Let’s get to moving!
I’m not sure who I’m yelling
at since I’m the only one here.
But I do know that it’s time
for me to crack that whip.
Get on with it. Or give up.
Those are the only choices.
