why I’m feeling so overwhelmed, but here are
some thoughts on that subject anyway.
Staying inside again all weekend because, in my mind,
there’s too much to do (note to self: need to edit the
MS Word preferences again, the fuckers change back to
their template every few weeks or less lately, is it because
I’m a beta tester?) (This is going nowhere) (And on a day
when-) (I go back to uncapitalize the w at the beginning of
that line – fuck!) This wasn’t my first intention but do you see
what I mean here – too many things to do today – getting
sidetracked and having to backtrack at every action I take?
Last night I made a long to do list of what I wanted to get
accomplished today. According to an expert in her field who
gave a company-wide speech, imagine it a bit of a corporate
Ted Talk – many of you know what I mean – anyway, she
says that the days when the experts thought (via research,
of course?) that writing in a journal each day before retiring
to bed being such a great thing to do in order to get that
all-important sleep has been kicked to the curb for a new,
more predictably workable way to ease oneself into sleeping
with a bit of productivity (productivity being the key word
here, this woman speaking to a corporate crowd, and of
course the importance of sleep, which no one seems to deny
– it’s a practical lesson) thrown in, which is writing up a to
to bed being such a great thing to do in order to get that
all-important sleep has been kicked to the curb for a new,
more predictably workable way to ease oneself into sleeping
with a bit of productivity (productivity being the key word
here, this woman speaking to a corporate crowd, and of
course the importance of sleep, which no one seems to deny
– it’s a practical lesson) thrown in, which is writing up a to
do list just before bed. So that’s what I did. It was over four
pages long. Thus far, I’ve done nothing from the list, but
did wake up realizing all the things I didn’t put on the list
which I needed to, like cut my hair (done), read some
poetry (about to do) and watch the Michelle Obama
speech for Kamala Harris in Kalamazoo (done). There
was something else that I’ve forgotten, which I’ve
been sitting here trying to think of for a minute, which
pages long. Thus far, I’ve done nothing from the list, but
did wake up realizing all the things I didn’t put on the list
which I needed to, like cut my hair (done), read some
poetry (about to do) and watch the Michelle Obama
speech for Kamala Harris in Kalamazoo (done). There
was something else that I’ve forgotten, which I’ve
been sitting here trying to think of for a minute, which
seems like my old standby now: stalling.
I’ll work on the list. The one primary two pages of which
is to write a long letter detailing my quibbles with regard
to this SRO I have lived in for 6 years which, all of a sudden,
I’m being told I owe even more each month (even after
I’ll work on the list. The one primary two pages of which
is to write a long letter detailing my quibbles with regard
to this SRO I have lived in for 6 years which, all of a sudden,
I’m being told I owe even more each month (even after
a 150% upgrade in rent thanks to the fact that I have a
job now, and despite the fact that my paychecks are now
being garnished by the California State Franchise Board
or whatever they’re called) (income tax; state income
tax). And this amount plus around two months of back
pay! So, without even talking more about this giant
mindfrack of an election, nor about the fact that my
job’s about to end and I’ve only just begun sending
off resumes for a new one and between those I have to
go down to Peru in order to maintain and hopefully finally
normalize a 5 year relationship, followed by getting the hell
out of Dodge if someone the color of a fascist orange gets
elected--and then there’s all of the rest of the bureaucracy
of the world. And here I am trying to climb my way out of
a 10-year old disaster that I seem to have found myself at
almost a precipice from which I might escape it, the
most depressing journey of my life. I’ll not sugar-coat it,
but I’ll not continue this meandering set of depressing,
throat-tightening complaints either. This has been today’s
words pelted out into the ether in this now nearly twenty
year public project about me. I can’t feel good about it,
but I do what I do – and I send it off to you. I’d recommend
not reading it unless you’re in a very particular state (knowing
it’s too late to say such things, and having no idea how to
describe such a state)….
normalize a 5 year relationship, followed by getting the hell
out of Dodge if someone the color of a fascist orange gets
elected--and then there’s all of the rest of the bureaucracy
of the world. And here I am trying to climb my way out of
a 10-year old disaster that I seem to have found myself at
almost a precipice from which I might escape it, the
most depressing journey of my life. I’ll not sugar-coat it,
but I’ll not continue this meandering set of depressing,
throat-tightening complaints either. This has been today’s
words pelted out into the ether in this now nearly twenty
year public project about me. I can’t feel good about it,
but I do what I do – and I send it off to you. I’d recommend
not reading it unless you’re in a very particular state (knowing
it’s too late to say such things, and having no idea how to
describe such a state)….
