mmmmdiv

I’m too overwhelmed to begin to explain why
I’m feeling so overwhelmed, but here are
some thoughts on that subject anyway:

Staying inside again all weekend because, in my mind,
there’s too much to do (note to self: need to edit the
MS Word preferences again, the fuckers change back to
the old template every few weeks (or less) lately, is it because
I’m a beta tester?)  (This is going nowhere)  (And on a day
when––) (I have go back to uncapitalize the w at the beginning 

of  the last line – fuck!).  This wasn’t my first intention, but don’t 

you see what I mean here – too many things to do today – getting

sidetracked and still having to backtrack at every action I take?

Last night I made a long to do list of what I wanted to get
accomplished today.  According to an expert in her field who 

gave a company-wide speech, imagine it a bit of a corporate

Ted Talk – many of you know what I mean – anyway, she 

says that the days when the experts thought (via research, 

of course?) that writing in a journal each evening before 

retiring to bed being such a great thing to do in order to get 

that all-important sleep has been kicked to the curb for a new,
more predictably workable way to ease oneself into sleeping
with a bit of productivity (productivity being the key word
here, this woman is speaking to a corporate crowd, and of
course there’s the importance of sleep, which no one seems 

to deny – so it’s a practical lesson) thrown in, which is: making 

a to do list just before going to bed.  So that’s what I did. It is

over four pages long.  Thus far, I’ve done nothing from the list, 

but I did wake up in the middle of the night realizing all of 

the things I didn’t put on the list and yet need to do, like 

cut my hair (done), read some poetry (about to do) and watch

the Michelle Obama speech for Harris in Kalamazoo (done). 

There was something else that I’ve forgotten, which I’ve

been sitting here trying to think of for a minute, but what

I may be actually doing is my old standby: stalling.

I’ll work on the list.  The one item that currently tops it 
is to write a long letter detailing my quibbles with regard
to the SRO I have lived in for 6 years which, all of a sudden
I’m now being told, I owe even more each month (even after 

a 150% upgrade in rent thanks to the fact that I have a 

job now, and despite the fact that my paychecks are now 

being garnished by the California State Franchise Board 

or whatever they’re called) (income tax; state income 

tax).  And this amount plus around two months of back 

pay!  So, without even talking more about this giant 

mind-frack of an election, nor about the fact that my 

job’s about to end and that I’ve only just begun sending 

off resumes for a new one and between those I have to

go down to Peru in order to maintain and hopefully finally
normalize a 5 year relationship, followed by getting the hell
out of Dodge if someone the color of fascist orange gets
elected--and then there’s all of the rest of the bureaucracy
of the world.  And here I am trying to climb my way out of
a 10-year old disaster from which I seem to have found myself 

at almost a precipice from which I might escape;  it has been 

the most depressing and eye-opening journey of my life.  I’ll 

not sugar-coat it, but I’ll not continue this meandering set of 

depressing, throat-tightening complaints either. 

This has been today’s words pelted out into the ether in this 

now nearly twenty year public project about me.  I can’t feel 

great about it, but I do what I do – and I send it off to you. 

I’d recommend not reading it unless you’re in a very particular 

state (knowing it’s too late to say such things, with apologies,

and yet still having no real idea how to describe such a state)….