Here’s a little morning monologue
I’m feeling out, starting to get my
self back as I wake up. Start to
get yourself back. This is what
I hear this when I turn on the
teevee to watch a new episode,
this time of The Bear. Television,
I was saying to someone not long
ago, is my friend. I should visit
more often. It’s been a while. I
just came out of a pretty deep sleep
and think that watching an episode
will surely wake me up for real.
My stomach is a bit uneasy.
Nothing like it was over the
overly nauseous holidays last
year, but the dominos in my
head start tipping. You know,
these words don’t have to
heal anything, anyone,
me. But maybe today
they need to do something.
Today. Today, they need
to be infused with hope.
I need hope. On the
show, as I’m typing,
the cast are going on
about teamwork. But
are we really in this thing
together? Sorry, I had
to ask. And indeed, I’m
awake now. It’s working.
And I am very alone.
That permeates. It
really does this Sunday
morning, just as it did
last night as I was falling
asleep, all day having thought
maybe I’ll go dancing tonight. I
fell asleep around the time I’d have
gotten in line at the club. There
would’ve been others there.
Dancing and whatnot. This
past week, this job, not to
go into any of that, but
the being alone thing,
which is all I’ll get at
today, here, with this,
that being alone can
truly permeate. It
can be a demon, too.
Horrible. Horrifying.
But today, this weekend,
this past week and all of
its ups and downs, I’m
definitely not saying it’s
okay, this not having
any others present, with
whom I might soar,
whether up or down
or just gliding over it all
together, is peaceful. It’s
calm. All of this isn’t
really who I am, who I
think I am, how I usually
feel, who I’m meant to be—
or that’s how it seems to me—
but this personal trip feels
pretty good, like an accomp
lishment, the serenity of it
on a Sunday, with a bit of a
warmth lighting it, that to
morrow will surely evolve,
into motivation, to go,
to go for it, to run,
to get what’s needed
done. That’s all I want
to convey, even if,
as is the case today,
I think, more than at
most any other time,
to nobody but myself.
Today. Today, they need
to be infused with hope.
I need hope. On the
show, as I’m typing,
the cast are going on
about teamwork. But
are we really in this thing
together? Sorry, I had
to ask. And indeed, I’m
awake now. It’s working.
And I am very alone.
That permeates. It
really does this Sunday
morning, just as it did
last night as I was falling
asleep, all day having thought
maybe I’ll go dancing tonight. I
fell asleep around the time I’d have
gotten in line at the club. There
would’ve been others there.
Dancing and whatnot. This
past week, this job, not to
go into any of that, but
the being alone thing,
which is all I’ll get at
today, here, with this,
that being alone can
truly permeate. It
can be a demon, too.
Horrible. Horrifying.
But today, this weekend,
this past week and all of
its ups and downs, I’m
definitely not saying it’s
okay, this not having
any others present, with
whom I might soar,
whether up or down
or just gliding over it all
together, is peaceful. It’s
calm. All of this isn’t
really who I am, who I
think I am, how I usually
feel, who I’m meant to be—
or that’s how it seems to me—
but this personal trip feels
pretty good, like an accomp
lishment, the serenity of it
on a Sunday, with a bit of a
warmth lighting it, that to
morrow will surely evolve,
into motivation, to go,
to go for it, to run,
to get what’s needed
done. That’s all I want
to convey, even if,
as is the case today,
I think, more than at
most any other time,
to nobody but myself.
