“And yet you laughed when I said
that I just wanted to let you know
that the topic you brought up . . .
the subject you seem so eager
to . . . well . . . I mean, as you
well know . . .your reaction,
when I said as clearly and
gently as I could possibly
muster – and you know this
because haven’t we been
through this on occasions
through this on occasions
too numerous to . . .? It’s
as if . . . . Look. When I said,
as I have said before, that this is
a bit of a touchy subject for me,
why? – or how? – could you just
. . . why do you have to press
forward every single time?
Rather than just? You
know? . . . I am just at a
loss. How’m I supposed to
. . . I don’t even know
what I’m saying. What
I’m saying is this. How
are we . . . how are you
and I supposed to even
. . . to even . . . work . . . ?
Alright, alright. I have
said this to you before.
And again before that.
But look. Here’s the
deal. And this is going
to be my last word on
the subject, I mean
it!” And so Doug,
as Doug does, said
what he believed
to be the truth,
to be the truth,
and what he be-
lieved to be the
finality of what
he had to say
on the subject.
And then he
went about
his day, and
the days after
that, sort of
repeating it,
again and again
and again and again,
until what he was saying
evolved. He tried, then,
to write it down, these
and again and again,
until what he was saying
evolved. He tried, then,
to write it down, these
evolved words, as he be-
gan, at least subconsciously
to recognize them as an
off-kilter echo, as it
began to dawn on him
that he was saying some-
thing a bit different than
what he had said the time
before, that what he said now
was, in fact, significantly
different than what he had
said only a few weeks past.
So he would keep writing it
all down, often a bit thunder-
struck at the difference. And he
told and retold this in both public
and private, with finality? He felt
told and retold this in both public
and private, with finality? He felt
that he had to get it right, this
mess of words that he kept
mess of words that he kept
speaking, saying. “I must bite
the bullet,” he would say to him-
self. “I must put my money
where is mouth is,” as the
saying goes. And that he did.
