Dear Benedict’s
bicuspids were
breaking through
his purplish pink gums.
All he could
eat for weeks,
it seemed,
was custard,
which his doting
mother served up
in the daintiest
porcelain cups.
The scoop was
she’d once been
engaged to
Duke Uspiqua.
And one spring day,
when Cupid’s arrow
pricked, Duke Uspiqua
(or as his Good Cuz
called him,
Gentle Duke
Piquard, for
rumor had it he
was not an Uspiqua
at all, but rather an
orphaned Cusque whose
parents, while our poor
babe, duke qua Piquard
Cusque, was down but
miserably out with
the croup, had both
been murdered during the
infamous Couscous Coup),
well, he but caught that
was not an Uspiqua
at all, but rather an
orphaned Cusque whose
parents, while our poor
babe, duke qua Piquard
Cusque, was down but
miserably out with
the croup, had both
been murdered during the
infamous Couscous Coup),
well, he but caught that
love bug mighty good. I
do believe that all this
went down quite directly
after Coxswain Scoux’s
horrific scupper incident,
and all because a bunch
of mallards caused a
ruckus; it was the
most ducks ever
seen in Puget
Sound, or so they
do believe that all this
went down quite directly
after Coxswain Scoux’s
horrific scupper incident,
and all because a bunch
of mallards caused a
ruckus; it was the
most ducks ever
seen in Puget
Sound, or so they
say, at least but all
at once. Scoux
was cussing up
and down the
Sound for nearly
eighteen months! But
back to the good
duke’s almost-duchess
and her pretty porcelain
cups: Cupid’d cut the duke
but good, as I was sayin’,
and word had it that our
duke was quite the puckerer.
So, anyway, he’d been
waiting in shadows for his
at once. Scoux
was cussing up
and down the
Sound for nearly
eighteen months! But
back to the good
duke’s almost-duchess
and her pretty porcelain
cups: Cupid’d cut the duke
but good, as I was sayin’,
and word had it that our
duke was quite the puckerer.
So, anyway, he’d been
waiting in shadows for his
moment to come, it seemed
like years when one sunshiny
day, there it was, our Duke
Uspiqua had an opening.
And so it was then that he
went in for the kill, with that
pucker all squunched-up, but
when he’d all but landed
sloppy with a kiss upon the
Uspiqua had an opening.
And so it was then that he
went in for the kill, with that
pucker all squunched-up, but
when he’d all but landed
sloppy with a kiss upon the
neck of his would-be duchess,
when she peripherally caught
sight of Duke Uspiqua’s sphinctered
when she peripherally caught
sight of Duke Uspiqua’s sphinctered
lips about to plop right at the cusp
of her carotid, holy cut cucumber
canapés, I tell you, she cupped
her mouth (not near enough, as it
turned out) and made such a funny
sound, our lady, who was already,
as the duke’s luck would have it,
affianced to Farmer Quince
from Copenhagen (he’s the
one that bought that swank
canapés, I tell you, she cupped
her mouth (not near enough, as it
turned out) and made such a funny
sound, our lady, who was already,
as the duke’s luck would have it,
affianced to Farmer Quince
from Copenhagen (he’s the
one that bought that swank
canoe cut from the trunk of
a kapok for a single kopeck),
she could scarce contain
herself, in fact, as she
nearly puked (in point
of fact, it’s said that she, indeed,
up-chucked! and no small quantity
she could scarce contain
herself, in fact, as she
nearly puked (in point
of fact, it’s said that she, indeed,
up-chucked! and no small quantity
at that!), well she did give that dirty
duke the loudest slap we’d ever
