i stepped into a new
restaurant in my
neighborhood late
this afternoon. it
was dark, had a
hip feel to it, it
was divided into
two sections, the
bar area, where it
turns out there were
quite a few folks sitting
in almost hidden booths,
and the section i entered,
which looked like more of
a standard restaurant.
it was a japanese restaurant,
with a fair share of raw fish
items on one side of the one-
page double-sided menu, and
on the other side were things
like skewers and ramen. i had
the seafood ramen. and it was
amazing. two or three things of
note are that i don’t have much
money and the extra amount i’ve
been getting monthly ends in less
than two weeks when i get my
final unemployment check, and,
if i don’t have a job by then, i
have to go back on county
government assistance, which
pays the rent and leaves me with
about a fifth of the amount of
cash per month that i have been
receiving since I began receiving
unemployment checks around
christmas. a caveat to that note
is that since june i’ve been looking
for a permanent full-time job – no
more contract work – in the city.
there have been tons of jobs, and
i’ve applied to hundreds since july,
and have had dozens of interviews,
many of them 2nd and 3rd meetings,
and received no offers whatsoever.
my resume is impeccable except for
the fact that i’ve only been working
spottily since i left my last long-term,
full-time job. that was a dozen years
ago. so, for example, after being laid
off due to covid in march of 2020, i
did not work again until march
of 2022, . already, this has turned out
unexpectedly. hope that is not unfortun
ate. my intention was to focus on the
beautiful. but i seem to be having
trouble focusing on that. and that makes
sense, disciplined as i truly can be at times,
given that tomorrow i’m going in to surgery
to have a cancerous growth removed. my
chances of a complete and easy recovery
are, i’m told, excellent, and nobody, including
me, should be worried. it’s just that this has
had me a bit anxious and certainly dwelling
on my mortality. i’m 55. this is to me the
biggest health scare i’ve encountered. but
yet i’ve had a month’s bout of pneumonia
while living in a homeless shelter, i’ve had
surgery after my appendix burst, i’ve had
two separate experiences with covid, the
first before the vaccinations even arrived,
so perhaps i’m being hyperbolic? i’ve also
had two pieces of basal cell carcinoma
removed from my face, the easiest and
most survivable cancer, and for the first
one i had to convince the doctor to do a
biopsy, given that i was under 30 years
old, and while i knew my family was very
susceptible to such things, the doctor said
that given my age it was too unlikely it was
cancer to biopsy. he turned out to be
incorrect. so, who’s to be trusted in
such moments as these? but i was
not to be going into this (i want to
add ‘how can i not?’) – i was talking
about my first sit-down at a restaurant
new to me, and one of japanese cuisine
at that. when i was working, and had
money to spare, i’d eat at japanese
restaurants at least twice a week on
average. and while i’m not quite that
much of a foodie, i’d find myself in a
new, hip restaurant or a long-standing
high-falutin’ one on fairly regular occasions,
this being when i had local friends (many
of whom still reside in the city, but none
of whom i ever hear from any more,
despite my efforts to reengage over a
period of several years, and yes, i’m
a little bitter, and continue to articulate
this, but particularly this week, having
just found out less than a week ago that
i had to have surgery, and realizing that,
just as it has been since all of these folks
either drifted away or, worse, ended what
i thought was a real friendship with some
horrible excuse, as i was going through the
worst crisis i’d ever encountered, and was
seeking any help, any sensibility, that might
reel me back in...). but, not only do i have
none of these folks in my life, have in fact
had no one locally with whom i have any
regular interface whatsoever, by which
i mean that i converse with in a proximity
within which i could reach out and touch
that person, in years. this is the single
most difficult thing that i have ever been
through. so, anyway, i do expose my
most crucial foibles, do i not? needless
to say, this visit to this restaurant that
was new to me brought back wonderful
memories, and some difficult ones, but
was mostly a joyous experience. i had
a bowl of ramen and a diet coke. it
wasn’t really even that expensive.
and that is all i was wanting to tell
you about, this familiar and sentimental
dining experience that i had just a few
hours ago. but, as i’m all but embarrassed
to say, here and now, to you, that experience
has been quite tarnished, especially now that
i’ve attempted to write about it. for what, to
me, and hopefully to you, as well, are obvious
reasons now, given my bit of venting, my bout
with drama tossed in your direction, for which
i must really apologize, and yet, also must
express gratitude, for your allowing me this
opportunity, which i so sincerely hope does
not taint in any way what we might hence
forth have going with this perhaps imaginary
rapport. does it? i do humbly beg
forgiveness and wave my imaginary
wand over all that exists in an effort
to release us both from any bad vibes
caused by what i have heretofore written.
are you there? if so, don’t go. please?
of course i have the choice of whether or
not to hit send, of giving us both a break,
perhaps (?), by thinking a day or two before
deciding whether this will go out to you all.
but i think we both know (of course) that
it’ll soon be up for you in all its glory. with
love and gratitude and apologies, from
me to you.
had me a bit anxious and certainly dwelling
on my mortality. i’m 55. this is to me the
biggest health scare i’ve encountered. but
yet i’ve had a month’s bout of pneumonia
while living in a homeless shelter, i’ve had
surgery after my appendix burst, i’ve had
two separate experiences with covid, the
first before the vaccinations even arrived,
so perhaps i’m being hyperbolic? i’ve also
had two pieces of basal cell carcinoma
removed from my face, the easiest and
most survivable cancer, and for the first
one i had to convince the doctor to do a
biopsy, given that i was under 30 years
old, and while i knew my family was very
susceptible to such things, the doctor said
that given my age it was too unlikely it was
cancer to biopsy. he turned out to be
incorrect. so, who’s to be trusted in
such moments as these? but i was
not to be going into this (i want to
add ‘how can i not?’) – i was talking
about my first sit-down at a restaurant
new to me, and one of japanese cuisine
at that. when i was working, and had
money to spare, i’d eat at japanese
restaurants at least twice a week on
average. and while i’m not quite that
much of a foodie, i’d find myself in a
new, hip restaurant or a long-standing
high-falutin’ one on fairly regular occasions,
this being when i had local friends (many
of whom still reside in the city, but none
of whom i ever hear from any more,
despite my efforts to reengage over a
period of several years, and yes, i’m
a little bitter, and continue to articulate
this, but particularly this week, having
just found out less than a week ago that
i had to have surgery, and realizing that,
just as it has been since all of these folks
either drifted away or, worse, ended what
i thought was a real friendship with some
horrible excuse, as i was going through the
worst crisis i’d ever encountered, and was
seeking any help, any sensibility, that might
reel me back in...). but, not only do i have
none of these folks in my life, have in fact
had no one locally with whom i have any
regular interface whatsoever, by which
i mean that i converse with in a proximity
within which i could reach out and touch
that person, in years. this is the single
most difficult thing that i have ever been
through. so, anyway, i do expose my
most crucial foibles, do i not? needless
to say, this visit to this restaurant that
was new to me brought back wonderful
memories, and some difficult ones, but
was mostly a joyous experience. i had
a bowl of ramen and a diet coke. it
wasn’t really even that expensive.
and that is all i was wanting to tell
you about, this familiar and sentimental
dining experience that i had just a few
hours ago. but, as i’m all but embarrassed
to say, here and now, to you, that experience
has been quite tarnished, especially now that
i’ve attempted to write about it. for what, to
me, and hopefully to you, as well, are obvious
reasons now, given my bit of venting, my bout
with drama tossed in your direction, for which
i must really apologize, and yet, also must
express gratitude, for your allowing me this
opportunity, which i so sincerely hope does
not taint in any way what we might hence
forth have going with this perhaps imaginary
rapport. does it? i do humbly beg
forgiveness and wave my imaginary
wand over all that exists in an effort
to release us both from any bad vibes
caused by what i have heretofore written.
are you there? if so, don’t go. please?
of course i have the choice of whether or
not to hit send, of giving us both a break,
perhaps (?), by thinking a day or two before
deciding whether this will go out to you all.
but i think we both know (of course) that
it’ll soon be up for you in all its glory. with
love and gratitude and apologies, from
me to you.
