okay, hello,
i’m here (but
for how much
longer?) – and
sure, it’s time
to start asking
these questions –
maybe it’s never
a bad time to keep
that thought in the
back of your head,
of course this is true –
and especially now,
I so want to confess,
and I do. Surgery is
scheduled tomorrow
to remove a cancerous
growth. The prognosis
is excellent, not to worry.
Not for you to worry. I
am good at doing that
on my own. I’ve told
a few folks, of course,
but have found that
this rapid turn of
events (it’s been
less than a week
since the initial
examination)
has stoked the
embers of a lot
of bitterness that
I’ve held at bay
for quite some
time now. But
even bringing it
up so vaguely
has me feeling
weak, wrong,
wronged as I
have obviously
been, I’ve made
no bones about
remaining con
fident of that,
even as I ripped
that chip from
off my shoulder
years ago (the
ghost of that
chip raises its
ugly head now
and again, to
which any of
you who pay
attention, are
you there?
would know
all too well—
and I apologize
for that, I really
do). But, fuck!
I do this as I
must, and not
at all as I had,
when such a
thing might
arise, intended,
worked so very
diligently to avoid.
And anyway, I’m
fine, there’s hardly
any anxiety, I mean,
the worst of it is really
the part I just skimmed
through quickly so as not
to exude too much blatant
bitterness. That, as I just
mentioned, is the weakness
I might pile upon a body that
in no small part is already
aged and illed and needs a
bit of time to rid itself of all
corruption, of any further ill
will, etc. I’ll be back to waxing
just as eloquently or as plainly
as I can about beauty soon
enough. Yes. Rest assured
that I’m not going nowhere
yet. I’ve a lot yet undone
and this limping carapace
fills daily with more purpose.
