I can’t but seem to
approach things with
a straightforward vo
cabulary. Things that
are actually happening
or have happened. My
bleak outlook, which is
exaggerated or exacer
bated perhaps by the
writing down or the
talking out of my
bleak outlook.
Now I remember
what I’ve done in
the past to counter
this approach. Set
parameters. Very
specifically only
think about, talk
about, write about
happy things or out
comes which would
elevate, increase
satisfaction, de
crease obstacles,
goals that are
needed in order
to move that one
very important step
forward; that without
which it would be im
possible to do the
most important
thing I have to
do on any to do
list. Then I begin
to restrict myself
from doing any
thing at all that
except aim for
that particular
goal. That one
and only thing
which will get me
to the only thing
I want, have
wanted for such
a seemingly in
terminable time
now. So out the
window go all of
the happy thoughts,
in comes the bleak
horizons now matter
which direction I look
(most often in this tiny
place which, once I might,
could possibly, probably
cannot reach that one
goal that unlocks the
doors to the only
possible future
I want but
can’t have,
won’t have,
never will).
This it at the
heart of my
dilemma. The
harder I work
toward that one
goal, the further I
get from it. No matter
what advice I take, no
matter how I think I’m
improving the process
so that I can achieve it,
the more I do for this one
seemingly simple thing, the
one thing I need in order to
get anywhere that I want to be,
that I must be, alive, and soon,
in order to simply begin to work
at the things that are the only
goals, leading to that primary
goal – the more I do in order
to open that one door which
must be open in order for
me to get anywhere near
any of these places, or
the one primary place,
at which I must arrive
in order to live – is it
that serious? is it
really life or death? –
absolutely – the more
I try to accomplish this
one thing, attempting to
inevitably hold in my pos
ession the key to the only
possibly future I envision,
that thing without which
I will but stagnate and
die, the more I try, the
further I get from it.
The trick has thus
far been to not
give up hope,
to keep trying,
at this seemingly
simple goal. But
in the dead-end
reality that I seem
to have found myself,
how and why not give in
to the impossibility of it all?
I want to feel so much, I want
to say, I really do, that I will not
give up, that I will get there, but
I am a logical person and I have
never strayed far from the possible,
over-achiever that I have always been.
But where once I always succeeded?
Now I just wonder, I ask, I scour
the earth for a clue: how do I
do it now? I wonder what
resignation might be like.
But that is something I
cannot find an inkling
of within me now.
Nor ever. And
so I persist.
the more I do for this one
seemingly simple thing, the
one thing I need in order to
get anywhere that I want to be,
that I must be, alive, and soon,
in order to simply begin to work
at the things that are the only
goals, leading to that primary
goal – the more I do in order
to open that one door which
must be open in order for
me to get anywhere near
any of these places, or
the one primary place,
at which I must arrive
in order to live – is it
that serious? is it
really life or death? –
absolutely – the more
I try to accomplish this
one thing, attempting to
inevitably hold in my pos
ession the key to the only
possibly future I envision,
that thing without which
I will but stagnate and
die, the more I try, the
further I get from it.
The trick has thus
far been to not
give up hope,
to keep trying,
at this seemingly
simple goal. But
in the dead-end
reality that I seem
to have found myself,
how and why not give in
to the impossibility of it all?
I want to feel so much, I want
to say, I really do, that I will not
give up, that I will get there, but
I am a logical person and I have
never strayed far from the possible,
over-achiever that I have always been.
But where once I always succeeded?
Now I just wonder, I ask, I scour
the earth for a clue: how do I
do it now? I wonder what
resignation might be like.
But that is something I
cannot find an inkling
of within me now.
Nor ever. And
so I persist.
