mmmmcd

shifting ground

to have one’s feet
firmly on the ground.

how important it is
and yet how important

to seek out the uncom
fortability of flying, of

having no ground upon
which you can stand.

rollercoasters, recreat
ional drugs, taking one

self out of one’s com
fort zone, these are all

ways to tease oneself
into a surreality. to

fly from the ground
or be unable to stand

or to get so vertiginous
that look, how cool, i’ve

shaken up my routine,
i’ve done what’s neces

sary in order to gather
new perspective. these

are some of the more fun
ways to screw with reality.

then there are the times
that you might find your

self crawling on the floor
so dizzy you cannot do

anything to force yourself
to stand erect. or your

boat has capsized, this
could be a metaphor, but

imagine the reality—you
must swim either until

you are found, captured,
saved, eaten or reach the

relative solidity, even if
nothing but consisting of

the tiniest grains of sand,
you’ve made it to a shore,

you’ve found land, that
relatively solid ground.

today seems a topsy-
turvy world. the ground

seems to be shaking, i’m
dizzy, i keep thinking i

hear something about
being careful for the

quicksand. up seems
down and down seems

up. there is nothing
giddy about today’s set

of unknowns. if i were
to think on it, my mind

would develop a labyrinth,
and i’d go lower and lower,

thinking of the darkest
possibilities, how they

surely could be true,
and as if overnight

this feeling has come.
built up for years, with

memories of trauma
that i now clearly have,

i remember this feeling.
it is very similar. if these

unexpected twists amount
to learning, experiencing,

and moving forward, I’m all
for it. I’m so very in favor

of that. But how can I do
anything to assist that things

move in that direction? How
might I not just delay something

inevitable and horrid, but
eliminate it entirely? Just as 

I’ve made way out of what I 

hope are the worst depths, the

darkest years of my life.
Every single tiny act had

unforeseen and abnormally
numerous obstacles. But

today, I find myself thrown
back into the unknown, feel

frozen in a present in which
if there is a future, how

will it be in any way re
cognizable? How will I

navigate the indeterminate
earth this time? And if I

make it to a firmer location,
what will that place be and

will I know more about how
to live upon it in the best way

by having gone through the
indeterminable current time

period? These questions are
exhausting. And not exhaustive.

What motivates you, I wonder,
to keep going during such times?

What will motivate me?