mmmmccxlviii

The Optimist’s Remorse

Idealism is a cruel thing. To
keep a shred of it will grate 

and splinter one’s facade 

until eaten clean through

the skull, so that a so-called
optimist eternal, as those
walls are hacked at, rot and/
or corrode, the bloody soul may 

in but a blink of a moment find 

the surfaces of a once resplen
dent home infested with a
thousand glasses, each half

empty with a liquid that would
drown but always fail to quench.

mmmmccxlvii

Perhaps Among Other Things

I build this thing of how I feel and who
I was and what I do to pin down and
get within reach—perhaps among other
things—of who I am and what I want. It’s

on display (this thing), my clumsy efforts
just to see and say and hew through all
the ugly and the beauty—and the freedom,
tense with insistent constraints—of the now

(all of which pass swiftly by). And this I
do to try to know (and yet I never do) a
bit of how to live among you and remain
(and yet so publicly?) as curious and con

tent as humanly I might, while ever near
ing who I truly am and where I best will be.

mmmmccxlvi

And So Today

There is war. Lives are lost and
lives go on. Lyn Hejinian passes
away and we mourn. This, we find
out, the morning after attending a

celebration of the work of kari
edwards. Are we just one big fun
eral? Where does this go, but
directly back to me? I can’t fix

anything. Except I live. Somehow.
For now. I’ve an appointment with
my doctor to go over my lab work
this afternoon. I self-diagnose. I feel.

I say a thing or two. It goes without
saying, then, that art is not enough.

mmmmccxlv

Direct Contact Information

Scary. Helping? For payment
methods. Email or send some
thing nostalgic. Call Urology
Dept. Check other listings

for $65. 746-9720. Pick up
Maalox. Scratch that. Pick up
money order for rent. Figure
out how to lick LinkedIn. Pay

AT&T. It’s the same bill every
day. Pay Mocha. Pay Ally. Pay
CreditOne. Pay Capital One. It
goes on forever. How do I call

the doctor? Would you like it to
be different? Yes, I asked that.

mmmmccxliv

Giant Question Mark

Bill gets knocked out 2nd,
says Customer Service. I
take that to mean day after
tomorrow and, to my dis

advantage, do not investig
ate further. So much of this
tax information is gay. For
example, $250 in the land

of legal requirements. More
like the land of oxymoronic
(illegal residents?). My resi
dence is suffocating, but how

could I possibly complain?
It’s tiny. I’m ill. I suffocate.

mmmmccxliii

Comedy As Art
(Isn’t It Always?)

In what specific cases should one re
state a thing they’ve already stated,
perhaps innumerable times (Is this
art?), exactly as they’ve said it before;

verbatim? Not a question for poetry 

(Obvy). It stung as if by dart [comme
par un fléchette!] when he yelped:
Grandmaaa!! How embarrassingggg!!

Don’t you have some candy you need
to crush?! This, the butt of a joke re
layed at the end of a bit in which
those words would’ve been directed

at none other than Grandmama Hill
ary Rodham Clinton. [C’est de l’art.]

(Where to Begin?)
Art As Comedy

mmmmccxlii

Dreamscapes

Flashing on the screen like
a PowerPoint presentation
of gut-wrenching import:
$644, $185, $288, $25.

Less important things I
(hesitate to say) need: a)
new swivel chair for desk
(with armrests); b) new

desk; c) larger refrigerator;
d) an actual filing cabinet;
e) 2 dress shirts; f) dressy
shoes. Never ask for a dime

from anyone ever again.
Phone bill is due, $107.34.

Nightmares

mmmmccxli

Statistician

go through all OneDrive video
files – organize in style of my 

profile section in LinkedIn (which
needs to be radically updated

first). complete spreadsheet on
subject “Who I Am” – answer
exactly and thoroughly. Equifax,
Experian, Transunion (memorize

my numbers, including the angle
of each vector’s trajectory, the 

mean and the median, etc.). Ex

cise all guilt. Research to determine

most effective CBD:THC ratio for
anxiety/chill and vape accordingly.

Obsessive Compulsive

mmmmccxl

User Unfriendly

Knock, knock. Bear Day.
25 Live classroom sched
ule on Bear Day is very
unfriendly. Very user un

friendly. More notes. Tr
aining with Yvonne. A box
is a cloud. Slack is the cav
ernous flights/cars/hotels.

Cancellations will be excu
sed, if not extended. Wel
come travels. Do you travel?
I welcome travel. No credit

cards. $62 a day for meals.
Ground transportation only.

mmmmccxxxix

Passion

I don’t think she’s
ready to have a cat.
Just say you’re wel
come. M: I don’t

mind standing my
ground. His brother:
He does not like con
flict. Niece: difficult.

Brother: ungrateful.
Nevertheless, love
abounds (also, he’s
out of touch). Call

Mom. Text Dunder
head. Poems. Jobs.

mmmmccxxxviii

Scritch-Scratch

AIC.  AIC.  Hemoglobin.  10
Mar.  7.2 May.  w/Adler Fri
day the 20th.  Scribble and
scribble.  Take 1,000 * per

day.  Written for tomorrow.
Questions: a) mobility issues;
b) because of a sock; c) look
for pho; d) red spots on chest.

My mom is a redhead.  Skill.
I have.  Lover.  Back.  Oh.
Shit.  Lower back.  I have
lower back peen.  Gained

weight [diabetes foreshad
owing].  Viagra is ok.  I lost.

mmmmccxxxvii

The Hot Bod of Blog

This is my growth stage start
up: I am much less spastic than
I normally look. But I am abnormal,
running free through pastures. Is

that weird, though? All I’d ask of you
is if you existed prior to me, be less
specific, press on for more input. By 

me? By anybody, sister. These doubts 

no doubt aid delinquency. These dolts 

or maybe donuts. That either of you
could relay my new address is aspir
ational. What is happening at your

desk right now? In the world? That
we are all so very concerned about?

mmmmccxxxvi

Job Junk, Etc.

among the hodgepodge of notes,
one to do: write acrostic piece
using “finding a job can be a
challenge” – file under under

statement. at the top of the
same page, the words neuro
divergent and autistic atop the
parenthetical a subset. no idea.

to do for today: call jen at tax 

defense network. call calfresh.
pick up check. 2-2:30pm phone
interview. pick up muni pass.

deposit check. call credit one
regarding delinquency notice.

mmmmccxxxv

Enter Rude

Who needs a break? Are you looking at the tv, out the
window, at your knees or onto the darker side of your
eyelids? I met the 6th and 7th hurdles in an interminable
set of interviews this week (yes, for the same job). No

word back yet. Need to buy a new pair of dress shoes,
deodorant, some super glue, a new belt, Scotch Pads, a
new charger for my Alexa (which has me sounding like
I’m complaining a bit too loudly, I suppose), file folders,

dish liquid and laundry detergent, which I’ve used to clean
all clothes and cloth items by pail in my coffin-sized hotbox
for the past couple of years. And that isn’t as long as I’ve
refused to step into the shower here. I bathe in the sink.

It’s even too disgusting and sad to use the one toilet at
the end of the hall that, on the rare occasion, is usable.

No Coda as of Yet
(what if shrinking time makes
no room for its appearance?)

mmmmccxxxiv

Why This Does Not Count

I could. Say what you mean. This must make sense.
What would be the point if no parable could be derived
from this garbled lack. Fate lies in our hands now. “But
what about the inevitability of censorship?” says some

kid in the balcony who may or may not have raised
their hand beforehand (I’m not wearing my glasses).
I walk all the way up and hand him the textbook, which
is half theory and half fiction. And maybe a smidge of

poetry, but who’d know? “We expand the arts and the
natural sciences,” the professor says. I profess that I’m
not a firm believer in the evolution of a species, anthro
pologically speaking, of course. I mean, my feet may

seem to stand upon a firm slab of desiccated terra firma.
But how can anyone negate the facts? We’re all doomed.

The Pile of Words Dithers No Matter
Their Cumulative Geometrical Guise

mmmmccxxxiii

Valentine’s Playlist

Make one, I did. Not your trad
itional music playlist. Almost no
music at all. We can go through
and, one by one, discuss each.

Hone that list. I would like to begin
by going over the 5 x 5 questions and
answers we developed at our last meet
ing. Picture graduate school in Greece.

It’s pretty isn’t it? Erase that photo. Pur
chase a TV. I mean a tv-sized monitor
for all of the most intense chemistry and
math and geometry. Follow up on plans

since nobody goes to college anymore.
Gather in another week for 3rd brainstorm.

Valhalla

mmmmccxxxii

For Whom?

No, or, well, yes.  But no.  I don’t
know.  But is this not a fundamental
question of what we do, those of us
who cannot help but ‘pen’ such piffle

and then audaciously put it out there
for you lovely people to scrutinize?  To
someone with a related degree or three,
this question might seem pedantic, but

I prefer to call it basic.  Conn ect with
Renata Blender (Spender?). Work with
Rafa to get M&Ms set up at every meeting
involving Sarah (she’s the boss and she

loves them, presumably; why would I
remember such things?).  I miss this?

Get a Job
(right)

mmmmccxxxi

Nobody Asked for This

Change wall calendar to February.  Contact
institute person at MediCal and Stonewall.  Call

Alto to determine when backlogged prescription 

might be ,,, this long line of ,,, lines begun in the 

summer of 2002.  I started blogging each piece 

individually starting in the summer of 2005.  The 

basic thrust was then set into motion: I would take 

scraps of lines from my old diary entries and combine 

them with random thoughts or goings-on at the time

I was piecing together each pastiche, each amalgam, 

if you will; juxtapositions of some details from two time 

periods in my life.   A new story of me.   Of course, this 

is just a bare-bones description; much is left out and the 

process has evolved.  But in essence, this is who I am. 

A Further Explanation of these Anachronizms

mmmmccxxx

Dated TO DO LIST Item with Further
Explanation of What I’m Doing Here
(if you have to explain the piece...)

New charger after spun out fire-
crackling, nearly electrocuting
living, physical being (me).  Is
this a good time to clue you in

about what I’m doing with these
sonnets made up of lists or various
words found on pages I’ve compiled
over the past six or seven years that

I’ve handwritten?  Pages which mostly
include notes for poems, notes I’ve
written after conversations with Mom
about the catalog of photographs I

inherited from her mom.  And, pre
dominantly, lists of things I need to do?

Droll Meanderings

mmmmccxxix

Forecast Calls for Sucker Winds

Welcome to the Berkeley cornucopia.
What if I’ve got nothing else? That’s a
personal question and I am very sorry.
It’s quite possible that I don’t even want

an Armageddon. I walk fast and mumble/
with my head turned (E. Berrigan). So,
then, reverse the question. Are you an
archeologist or an ecologist (digging

fossils)? Dissect morality. Sit down and
eat some ageism; breakfast is always taken
for granted. The veneer of this paradise/is
bedbugs and parasites (Ed Berrigan again).

Don’t preach until you’ve stuck your nose in
it long enough. Eat pope dust. Prop up a poet.