Monday, April 22, 2013


Tippi Hedren the Tetrahedron

Last night on Animal Planet we learned how
mermaids were beautiful creatures who once
ruled the oceans but have been drawn to near
extinction by tuna nets.  Over the weekend, I

discovered that I am quite funny, even hilar-
ious.  Aren’t you glad that over the weekend
I discovered that I’m quite funny?  Except
I couldn’t stop.  Comedians take all kinds of

shit and are often suicidal.  I think I read that
somewhere.  My point is the Daily Show is
not news.  But people can’t really get it into
their heads that it’s more like a sitcom.  I

tried watching The MacNeil/Lehrer Report
once, but had to turn the channel halfway
through.  And I support public broadcasting.
Jim Lehrer was even the commencement

speaker at my college graduation.  I keep
looking at the pictures of my graduation
and I just look awful.  I was already in
no mood for the real world.  I refused

to wear a tie under my gown—what a
costume, anyway.  And the ridiculous-
ness on my part of the not wearing a tie
protest.  And look how skinny I was!

All of my parents showed up, too—
still alive.  I remember how compart-
mentalized the day was.  And how I
wanted nothing more but to go to sleep.

None of this has anything whatsoever to do
with Alfred Hitchcock, who looks like such
a schlub as Anthony Hopkins in a fat-suit.  But
then again, the real world is not the movies.