Last night on Animal Planet we learned how
mermaids were beautiful creatures who once
ruled the oceans but have been drawn to near
extinction by tuna nets. Over the weekend, I
discovered that I am quite funny, even hilar-
ious. Aren’t you glad that over the weekend
I discovered that I’m quite funny? Except
I couldn’t stop. Comedians take all kinds of
shit and are often suicidal. I think I read that
somewhere. My point is The Daily Show is
not news. But people can’t really get it into
their heads that it’s more like a sitcom. I
tried watching The MacNeil/Lehrer Report
once, but had to turn the channel halfway
through. And I support public broadcasting.
Jim Lehrer was even the commencement
speaker at my college graduation. I keep
looking at the pictures of my graduation
and I just look awful. I was already in
no mood for the real world. I refused
to wear a tie under my gown—what a
costume, anyway. And the ridiculous-
ness on my part of the not wearing a tie
protest. And look how skinny I was!
All of my parents showed up, too—
still alive. I remember how compart-
mentalized the day was. And how I
wanted nothing more but to go to sleep.
None of this has anything whatsoever to do
with Alfred Hitchcock, who looks like such
a schlub as Anthony Hopkins in a fat-suit. But
then again, the real world is not the movies.
