(somewhere out of my head)
it seems an odd time in life,
illogical, trying to claw my way
out of my head into a healthier
era than i’ve been in years,
perhaps decades, even
as it has been only
two weeks,
maybe three
since mom’s funeral.
but i am indeed healthier.
so i try to be celebratory,
after all it is my health.
i list in my head all of the
issues from the past decade
or so (surgery, bad knee, etc., but recovery).
i go on long walks in the city several times a week,
first time in years. but presently i’m destitute. and
after all it is my health.
i list in my head all of the
issues from the past decade
or so (surgery, bad knee, etc., but recovery).
i go on long walks in the city several times a week,
first time in years. but presently i’m destitute. and
my weekly box of prepared meals didn’t arrive on monday as it has
every monday during each of the four or five 12-week cycles
i’ve been getting them. tiny meal slurps, i call them.
and so i don’t go hungry. not yet, anyway. but
i have lost 75 pounds or so in the past year.
it’s astounding to feel this good. to
send out applications and resumes
every day because i’m not having to deal
with whatever crisis of the moment that is too
all-consuming (it has been three days since i should have
every monday during each of the four or five 12-week cycles
i’ve been getting them. tiny meal slurps, i call them.
and so i don’t go hungry. not yet, anyway. but
i have lost 75 pounds or so in the past year.
it’s astounding to feel this good. to
send out applications and resumes
every day because i’m not having to deal
with whatever crisis of the moment that is too
all-consuming (it has been three days since i should have
received a box of meals, though). sufferin’ stagnation!
my health. i had a mother for 59 years,
then one day, no mother. and dad’s
been gone for 25 already. gary
for ten years. but me, i am healthier
than i’ve been in years, yet still incapable of
living what i still call normal life. whatever
my health. i had a mother for 59 years,
then one day, no mother. and dad’s
been gone for 25 already. gary
for ten years. but me, i am healthier
than i’ve been in years, yet still incapable of
living what i still call normal life. whatever
this existence is, it has long since become
normal. it became life. but i cannot
see it as normal. i hear voices through
the window on the other side of my
desk, but cannot make out what
any are saying. it is just me here.
in this dull but singular, and
now healthier, existence. i
wonder what i can
scrounge up for
lunch. i keep a list,
there are always items to check off,
and i have already checked several
wonder what i can
scrounge up for
lunch. i keep a list,
there are always items to check off,
and i have already checked several
of the items for today, just as i do
most every day. but over time the list
barely grows, barely shrinks. overcome,
as i often am, by a dizzying wealth (i can
call it that) of thoughts swimming around
in my head, moving too fast, too many of
them. straining now to focus.
it is time to focus, time to act.
time to rethink how to be.
