mmmmmcxciv

Self-Imposed Solitude

it’s hard to believe that i would
do this to myself.
but look at me,
i’ve done it again:
put the blame for my troubles
solidly upon yours truly.  sometimes
i think what a fortunate life i have,
but not usually.  not lately.

i can remember
feeling lucky, feeling blessed.
as i rose from barely making it
to upward mobility and beyond.
the vector was never a straight line,
but it averaged into one with a pretty steep incline.
then came the crash.  like a stock market
or cardiac arrest.  like an automobile
that has veered off course and slammed into a tree.
some time later, 

when i had all but recovered, 

another disaster, and then yet another. 

until i was stumbling, but barely, from 

one instance of bad luck into another.
that’s just the way life goes, i suppose.
but nobody taught me how to lift myself up from such a fall.
i mean, i do yet exist.  and, granted, 

i have days much better than the past few, 

and i try to dwell on those 

instead of what i presently can’t but think are
the distinct majority of all that i’ve lived through
since that great stumble and fall. 

it’s just the way life goes, i suppose.
surely (if only it felt that certain) 

i will soon find myself back in good spirits,
it’s always happened before.
but when i find myself feeling such a
no good perspective as the one i presently have,
it’s sometimes hard to convince myself
that i’ll make it to that next rush.  oh, shush!
i audibly say to myself.  what good is expressing such?
but, dear diary, i’m so obviously ill-equipped to swerve from
this misfortunate path, the heart-on-my-sleeve wreck that is me.
and so it’s the blues that get relayed from me to you tonight.
that’s the way life goes sometimes.  i suppose.