mmmmmcxciv

Self-Imposed Solitude

it’s hard to believe that i would
do this to myself.
but look at me,
i’ve done it again:
put the blame for my troubles
solidly upon yours truly.  sometimes
i think, what a fortunate life i have,
but not usually.  not lately.

i can remember
feeling lucky, feeling blessed.
as i rise this morning from barely making it
to upward mobility and beyond.
the vector was never a straight line,
but it averaged into one with a pretty steep incline.
then came the crash.  like a stock market
or cardiac arrest.  like an automobile
that has veered off course and slammed into a tree.
some time later, 

when i had all but recovered, 

another disaster, and then yet another. 

until i was stumbling, but barely, from 

one instance of bad luck into another.
that’s just the way life goes, i suppose.
but nobody taught me how to lift myself up from such a fall.
i mean, i do yet exist.  and, granted, 

i have days much better than the past few, 

and i try to dwell on those 

instead of what i presently can’t but think are
too similar to the distinct majority of all that i’ve lived through
since that great stumble and fall. 

it’s just the way life goes, i suppose.
surely (if only it felt that certain) 

i will soon find myself back in good spirits.
it’s always happened before.
but when i find myself feeling such a
no good perspective as the one i presently have,
it’s sometimes hard to convince myself
that i’ll make it to that next rush.  oh, shush!
i audibly say to myself.  what good is expressing such?
but, dear diary, i’m so obviously ill-equipped, this heart-on-sleeve

wreck that is me, to swerve from this misfortunate path.
and so it’s the blues that get relayed from me to you tonight.
isn’t that the way life is sometimes?     i suppose it is.