mmdcccxlvii

Del Is Short for Delicate

and so, for conversation
after conversation we
sat in a circle as the
ocean breeze chilled
the sweat from our
shirts and our blou-
ses and cooled our
hearts a bit, as they
[our hearts, that is]
each attempted never-
theless to outpace the
others. our precious
hearts. we needed
this. or that was be-
yond a shadow of
doubt at the time,
anyway. but did we?
some of the attend-
ees were upset about
one thing or another
and had to either
prove the validity
of their anger or
to simply vent
to those who,
moreso than any
from any alternative

set, more than any

other group of

individuals that

could be found,

folks that could
be assembled into

such and such a 

size and in a location
as pleasant, as peaceful 
as the one in which they 

currently huddled, be they 

crouching, standing, pacing,

squatting, stooping, as were

exampled cases presently,

none would be more effective,

more significant, none would 

relate with more clarity, none

could offer better perspective,

none would or could collectively

and/or literally care less.  all other 

circumstances being equal.  these

were our people, the ones

who mattered, the ones who

needed to know, the only 

ones who could know, and

it was crucial that this was

the set of individuals with

whom this transpired.  sure,

they were a hardheaded lot;

some where hesitant to ad

here to agreed-upon rules.

feathers easily got ruffled,

these were his people, the

right ones, the ones with the 

most accurate motivation.  and

yet, they were steadily running out 

of patience, running out of 

better ideas, tensions were

rising, disagreements were

become more and more over

whelming, there were great 

disagreements over simple

acts.  there had always always 

been makeshift buffers in place,

effective one, they had become

as predictable as the breeze that 

unfailingly drifted in from the top

of the ocean on the days assembled,

that came in with the spindrift, from

lands far away.  there had always

been buffers in place.  individual

goals never trumped the goals,

the desires and the needs of the 

goals of their particular collective.

but slowly, naturally, like nature,

in fact, chaos began creeping

in over the water and began to 

drool down the cliffs that made

their way down to their beach

from the great continent.

there are as many ways to 

explain how this happened as

there were members of the 

collective.  each step in this process

toward inevitable destruction had 

primary participants that were

also members of the collective,

a falling apart seemed inevitable,

is, and examining, scrutinizing,

reexamining the details that 

reduced the once well-oiled success

of mechanisms that kept this group and

its various purposes in place would seem,

is, unnecessary, irrelevant. the purpose,   

a clear understanding of the necessity

for these guidelines and specific steps;

the cause, the intent. the overall under

standing of all involved regarditg why

their particular and collective existence,

of their all-too-relevant and necessary

existence. . . . and the host, the one

who had brought them all together

the un-leader, a rather awkward,

rather aloof human, knew and

understood this.  I

wonder, years later,
if it might bother him
to know that a few of

us were aware of what

was transpiring; some
simply allowed nary a 

clue to to come into view,

to obstruct their view 

of reality.  of those

that did know, there were

those that did not begin

to grasp the severity of 

what was transpiring; 

others just endured it.

several of the members

of each of these subsets

were above all else steeped

in a swamp of confusion. 

these meetings worked
well to enlighten such
thoughts because,
at any given moment,
even those sitting within
the circle weren’t paying
much attention to any-
thing being spoken or

done, even though the

longstanding motions 

were continually in play,
which was okay and
was understood, because

in all of the other and

important ways these

were fruitful. and effective

gatherings; they enabled

the meeting of many an

objective.   then, they

did not.  so does it 

matter, given the

magnitude of it all,

how that happened?

often, at these meetings

of the collective, individual

attention would seem to be 

most prominently, predom

inantly on the ocean, the

vastness of which, the 

ocean-ness of itself,

were not being focused

upon, admired, studied

at all, really.  It was

perhaps mere meditation,

either screwing in their
brains so tight that
thoughts came and
went quickly and
were each paid almost
no attention; meditation
as precipitated by the
grand ocean that lay
before them, and by
the us sitting there in
a circle on the sand
in close proximity to
the ocean was expected

to somehow magically 

elicit most all of the 

grandiose goals of the

the group, and the 

truth was that some

of the goals were met, 

but a great many were 

ignored by their lack.

of capability.  some

fixes are simply too large 

to ever see through to the

hopeful conclusion.  some

of the gazes out into the 

distances were just means

of some escape.  others 

would nod off for extended
periods of time, do that
quick jerky dance akin
to what a person being

electrocuted might be

observed doing in that

last moment or two,

seeming to come to
attention almost im-
mediately, and those
who did were clearly
back into the fray of

the for immediately

after; lost on or 

against or from

the subject of the
moment. this, in
particular, was a
favorite practice of
mine during much of the
duration of these meetings
we’d had each month for
several years now. everyone
seemed to have the idea that

if I didn’t meander back
and forth between alert
and semi- or unconscious-
ness that I would be other-
wise overwhelming, ineffective,

that disallowing the others a

word edgewise for fifteen minutes,
a half an hour or, sometimes,
even much longer, was, for better

or worse, an integral aspect,

a necessity.  these humans,
my friends, at least knew this 

habit of mine, this aspect, they

knew this, about me. and they

cared enough for the collective,

to play along, to accept, which

in turn made me accepted, for 

the most part, which eliminated

with me the usual guilt, the

sorrow that I felt so otherwise

constantly enshrouded within 

at most ny given moment. and

when I would, which I most 

assuredly would, mangle

or mismanage the pace of my
melting into the ocean and of
then returning again, and in-
stead allowed my overly dram-
atic voice to overstay its welcome
before realizing that here I was,
once again, doing my damnedest
to maintain attention indefinitely,
I’d say (or at least feel) a bit of a
whoops and in no time would dis-
solved back into the Pacific. the
health that comes from the awareness

the knowing that you are accepted

and that you are are taken in, as you,

and because of you, for simply being,

but also, for simply being yourself.  

That it is always this and only this, 

that I, who am always me and only

me, am taken.  as that.  with intention

and care. they listen attentively, by all

appearances. this not only is life
but it surely must extend it if you
have the pleasure of living in these
truths, or anything like them, on any

regular basis. sure, a few
of the more clever folks would
use the moments most seemingly

crucial during these meetings for a

bathroom break. also, we always 

tended to overdo it a bit on the 

snacks, the potluck of it all.
but, as I remember it, it was
sheer peace and the always
unpredictable and always
enlightening currency of 
apparently necessary
thoughts and emotions

being circulated among
the people who felt
like family (with emo-
tions that were so
wound up by meet-
ing’s closure that
they could be
boundlessly 

hyperbolized: 

absolute joy, im-
mensely appropriate,
keep it up, Del, you are
doing so well, aren’t
you?).

but now it’s all sand. And a few
eroded memories that get washed
back into the sea. I go there some-
times, trying to remember the people,
exactly where each of us were sitting; 

I just can’t remember a thing except
what I’ve just recounted, and much
of that might be some sort of re-
envisioned history (that neither
take the place of those long ago

moments nor give any appropriate

value to the healing that transpired

there) - so, rather than take one

second from then or now for

granted, rather than gloss any

of this life I live and have lived

over, I incorporate all of it, everything

I can remember, at an any rate,
and use it,to build wisdom, 

knowledge, common sense,

however uncommon it surely
must be - I incorporate it into 

what I imagine to be the

place it should, if at all, be

incorporated.  I must always

believe that it should at the

very lease be held, be kept, 

as indefinitely as is humanly 

possible.

So this is what I’ve been doing
these days. This, and lots of
furrowing of the eyebrows.
Also, I keep thinking about
sanity. And what, if anything,
that might mean. Oddly, or not

so oddly, I keep seeing ads for 

a revamped Twilight Zone that brings 

these all of these particular thoughts

together for me, into full bloom, if not

full circle.  I do remember some things. 

like how, when a person might get con-
fused, and how those who witness
this horror sometimes decide it

best, and not out of spite at all, 

out of concern, or out of a desire 

to minimize the calamity, to just 

play along. people get con-
fused; we play along. or
you do. I do? when
ever it’s you that’s
doing the playing
along, thank you.
it can be very…
placating. but,
before you find
yourself doing it
a next time, if there
happens to be one,
lock your eyes on
mine for a moment
and just tell me instead,

tell me that I am alright, 

say that I am okay.  And,

if it is not too uncomfortable,

perhaps you might take me

in your arms and give me a

bit of a squeeze.  I love

you for doing this
time and time again,
whoever you are.
Wherever you are.

mmdcccxlvi

Conversations,
Needs and
Needing a
Conversation

Simple enough said,
I suppose, but with
no words comes no
meaning—less than
nothing, no doubt;
cuz what’s meaning
within a singular sem-
i-conscious mostly bar-
ren chamber unless the
echoes get to pass be-
yond the great wall of
mystery? To point,
your pal, whom I’ve
never met until now,
furthermore only to-
night ever having
spoken with him
a first time (Re-
member? You ans-
wered the phone,
then promptly
handed it to him
for whatever rea-
son.). I believe that
he said more to me
on that phone in less
than five minutes than
you have in three years
of being on the same line
most every one of those
days at least once. I ev-
en gleaned from this guy,
your friend, a fairly sub-
stantial bit of info, most
specifically about you.
And he wasn’t making
a presentation, mind
you. He was simply off-
ering a bit of your local
news, drinking a beer,
teaching me a new
language (well, an
apt phrase or two,
in any case), yet I
barely even under-
stood a word he said.

I wish you more than
anything in the world
lightheartedness and
great health and happi-
ness. Because these are
what I now lack thanks to
these months of disconnect,
or, rather, non-connection.
There is so much of what
I had assumed was quite
the contrary, as I still re-
call and cannot beat the
mysticism out of that sad
burden. But upon a redir-
ected rendering, it seems
there was less than a big
zero transpiring via that
perfectly taut line that al-
ways runs from you to me
and me to you, no matter that
you exist, if at all, at the op-
posite end of the planet. A
straight line, mind you. It
will always remain a mystery.
But that was the problem, real-
ly. One always wants to know
at least something. Or per-
haps that is just me. You
were the most interesting of
them all, and yet you never
had any interest whatsoever.
Did you? In me. In life. In
leading an Interesting life. or
even in those bursts of plea-
sure I’d have the pleasure of
witnessing on a few occasions.
To me, they were and always
will be genuine miracles. My-
story miracles. Each caused
my own pleasure to bubble
up and burst forth on most
every mere occasion. These
things happened. And I sup-
pose I created a fiction a-
round them. But man,
what I would not give
for even a singular such
similar moment. An ex-
plosion. Of joy. Two
things which one might
have a difficult time
putting together into
one, when the words
are said out loud, I sup-
pose. But it is just a fan-
tasy, like those three years,
I suppose. They were, if they
were, and it would be, if it
could be again, after all, ex-
plosions across an ocean. A
big, beautiful, goddamned o-
cean. I don’t know how much
more specific I can get, sitting
here with my head wagging back
and forth between an empty cell-
phone and the shiveringly vast Pacific.

mmdcccxlv

People Get Confused; We Play Along

A biography may come in any shape or size.
That doesn’t necessarily make it a cretin.

For one thing, people are fine with that, in
general.  It certainly seems that way to me,

in any case.  Rule number one: everybody
lies.  Rule number two: everyone in gen-

eral is a good person.  Now it all adds up,
as we have just used the scientific meth-

od to prove that lies are just fine.  What’s
the truth, anyway?  So there you have one

of my primary rules for living a longer and
healthier life:  just don’t make it a problem.  

Treat it, like my mother (and countless
other progenitors) used to always find a 

way to slip into any day whatever, as
if they to simply roll like water off a 

duck’s back.  So the next time you have 
the occasion to run into someone you

know, are acquainted with or can't recall
their presence beforehand—that is, 

when beginning any type of engagement, be
it high or low, short or incredibly long in

the wind department, I suggest your draw
in a breath, try to allow any preconcep-

tions to float some other direction, and
do yourself the favor of giving the whole

honest thing a nice long vacation.  Because,
let me be clear, honesty, it’s just not a thing.  

Just remind yourself (silently is best) that
you are happening upon a liar.  Because you

are.  And, especially if this seems like it’s too
big of a problem for you to begin with, you

might disturb the issue altogether away by
making it interesting.  For example, I tend 

to use as a general means of learning a lot
about people I meet, know, and sleep with 

by playing the game of Hm, I Wonder What 
THIS Dude Lies About?  Navigate through

the whens and the wheres of the missing
pieces until they begin to find logic, reason.

There are, I find, one or two basic reasons
that an individual chooses his or her person-

al line of dishonesty.  We’re basically simple
folks, leading pretty simple lives, no matter

how we might even fool ourselves into be-
lieving otherwise [number one most common

lie, as it turns out].  Dishonesty and hypo-
cracy are the real deal, people.  Honesty 

is just plain bogus.  It is, as some say of 
more specific hypocritical schemes, a 

ludicrous construct.  I’m not suggesting
that being truthful isn’t a direction toward

which we should aspire, in the same way
that some do toward the ideal of nirvana.

All I am saying is that the notion that com-
plete transparency or being totally truthy 

is bogus (extra hint: check out any compen-
dium on etiquette to discern the moments

in life when the truth is inappropriate).  And
not that it is my job in life to point out all of

these whizz-bang discrepancies inside of
which we like to take residence, but when 

this subject arises, my mind tends to migrate
toward the paranoiacs who believe Big Brother

might be watching, and that consuming time (cons-
ciously) striving for privacy is a means to get him

off your back (and let’s face it, there are
massive swaths of folks who get piping hot

about the idea that someone may be watching,
or [even] recording them).  Whether this find

is a subversion of exhibitionism or a (sub-
conscious) subversion of just plain wishful

thinking, allow me a moment where-
in honesty might be appropriate

and submit for our consideration that 
when you spend your precious time on

this bedeviled, beguiling and beautiful
planet worrying about such nonsense, that

it is a complete waste of time, and that it
surely becomes for a lot of us a means to 

eliminate no small percentage of our youth.  
I am somewhat certain that it is not current-

ly the apocalypse.  And I’m pretty sure, as well, 
that the inevitable mob of zombies has yet

to make their stiff-walking appearance.
However.  Good people.  We are sprinting 

into the heart of the 21st century and al-
ready well into the post-Big Brother Era:

it’s a freakin’ given that we are, each and all,
being watched.  You are not having a night-

mare in which you are the star of a Lifetime
movie about a stalker.    There aren’t even 

any commercials.  You are being watched.
Either in real-time, or via recording.  May I

therefore offer that perhaps rather than walk-
ing around in a constant state of paranoia, 

that we take for granted that all the world
is, indeed, a stage (and that the surveillance 

crew is just beyond the audience)?  Can’t we all
just take that piece of news and slip it into our

worry-free pockets?  Or, better yet, let our
crocodile tears roll down the downy back 

of a duck and worry about the bigger 
problems in life; the problems that can

literally be adjusted?  And then, I say, 
take a little bit of that extra time that 

you’ll soon find you have on your hands
and milk every ounce of joy you can out 

of every minute you can; out of each
turnip of a day you wake up to find

yourselves in.  It’s just a suggestion.  
But it seems to do pretty well by me.  

mmdcccliv (2)

First Ladies
[or how not to explode under pressure]

Some regular-looking guy
sidles up to the bar, orders
a drink, reminds himself that 
it’s April already (for Pete’s
sake!) and that he has yet to
do his taxes (for a few years
now, in all honesty).  But
yet, he believes. In the sys-
tem; in its ideology; in its
process to reduce evil as a
means to slog through an
increasingly complex good,
i.e., the progress of human-
kind;  even in romance, (And
he a disavowed goth kid,
he claims—and I can feel us 
all strain to find, earnestly,
a smidgen of that kid, as we 
chomp our various potato
incarnations.  You can see
him trying to find the kid
that must have been he, or 
the one that was the he that 
once was.). So he believes in the
progress of mankind.  I learn
all of this as I sit next to him
during one of those overly-
long dinners, but this is
one I have no anxiety en-
during (a dinner that was 
mostly just drinks, which
has got to help that ling-
ering relaxation). I sat 
through, literally feeling a
light-bulb suddenly pop
out with its beam of lum-
inescence on at least a 
couple of occasions.  The
most meaningful to me was
when he suddenly felt he un-
derstood everything.  Just in
that moment.  And for only 
a few that followed.  Then it
apparently left him.  (I know
these moments well, when
everything suddenly makes ab-
solute sense and can be ex-
plained away, even in terms
of some of the most peculiar
pairings that exist in the
same cosmos; in fact, with-
in mind-boggling proximity.  
Anyway, it was an occasion 
of some significance, this
dinner taken with complete
strangers, at least it seemed
so to most of us, who tuned in
from time to time to listen to
his pretty elementary but/and
poignant ramblings.  Good for 
him, I am thinking days later,
perhaps, because not every 
Tom, Dick or Harriet has her 
very own nickel psychiatrist 
(if we’ve learned anything 
during these sessions in which
we find ourselves dining 
with complete strangers,
isn’t it surely this: that no-
thing whatsoever should be 
taken for granted, nothing.
Most especially that Dame 
Jade refills my prescriptions 
without fail.  Every.  Single.  
Month.)  (My problem is in-
deed anxiety, purportedly.
And it doesn't just happen
on airplanes.  Therapy works, 
right?).  Unless you’re on one 
of those new, those, whattaya 
call them?, those 90 day refill
plans.  And that, my friends 
(during which we both stifle
chuckles), is, as they say (and 
even by me, while, of course, 
so often wondering so hard 
on whom this they might act-
ually be), an entirely different 
ball of wax (and don't we know 
it!), thank you.  We remember 
the first time we realized what 
a doctor’s appointment was 
all about so that we can pass
such morsels on to those as yet 
uninitiated (oh, humanity, progress, etc.).
It is, quite simply, to prance in to the 
doc’s lobby, sit for the five to twenty 
minutes (on average) until called, 
at which time you try to recall with
some accuracy the maze of cubicles 
and gadgets you need to map yourself
from where you were sitting to her
office (also, remember that she goes 
by Jade, says don’t call her Doctor 
anyone), and once you find this 
nice little working box with a view
of Alcatraz say, Okay Jade, I’ve a
fear of flying, and I’ve been tak-
ing a poll for something for like 

20 years now on what my people—
the ones with the same condi-
tion—a poll which won’t be the
handiest tool of the trade but,
is not completely illogical 
[Don’t forget Miss Jade that
I’m basically logic personified,
right?].  So, anyway, Jade, dear,
this very lengthy and logical—
semi-scientific—poll I took
using my old pals as lab rats,
which weren’t exactly rand-
omly chosen, was my way of
trying to find a way around
this illogical fear.  So, my queries
of that good portion of the world
that seeks and answer or some 
a remedy to this fear, it looks
to me like Xanax is going to
be my answer.  I  mean, really.  
I still.  Very much.  Desire.  
To experience.  As much.  
Of THE WORLD.  As is human-
ly possible.  At my age.  So 
can you please write me a pre-
scription for enough Xanax (I
would prefer the 1 milligram
to the point fives)  to get me 
to Boston and back [that'll be 
the trial run, of course, which
by the way worked splendidly!]
so that shortly after that i can
turn 40 in Paris, hang out with
the Parisians for a couple of 
weeks, and get back in one
semi-sane single solid, please? 
Then she of course habitually 
inserts her hand into her
left lab-coat inside pocket
and comes out with that old-
school looking rubber-band 
topped prescription pad
that is, we all now understand,
the guiding light of these visits.
Within seconds she has written 
you out a prescription for some-
thing illegible (it’s true) that turns

out to be, like, 20 Xanax.  That,
my friend, is the game-changer.  
That’s a part of humanity evolving 
in which we can palpably feel our-
selves participating, if not some-
time clinging to with our dear
lives.  
Soon, 
there-
after, he turns 40 in
Paris, France – his 
very first trip abroad.
And the rest is history
(which, you can judge,
if by nothing else, a peek
into his medicine cabinet
alone.)  (Ah, alone a-
gain, poor dear med-
icine cabinet, what?).
Well, lots has been
learned, I would say.
Especially today.  We
learned how to do one 
thing the unwritten but
most appropriate way, 
in a world which we
find increasingly more
bizarre, day after
day after……day.

mmdcccliii

Embrace Your Inner Sociopath

     (inspired by the book of the 
     same name by Jenny Mollen)

If you’re Jason Biggs’ wife, don’t
just write a book about hair, I
believe she’s saying.  Hair is
somehow related to sociopathy,

it would seem.  One learns a 
lot more on YouTube these day
than one (at least I) bargained
for.  Just a few new musical

talents would wet my whistle,
having been a pariah of society
for so long now, and attempting
to un-pariah myself, slowly but

oh I certainly do hope surely.
But I can’t stop listening.  I
Have the same problem with
almost all news related to

our president and the soap
opera he so entertainingly
spins from reality. That
thought makes me con-

tinue to watch Ms. Mollen, 
who shows everyone in the
studio audience how to 
properly breastfeed. “One 

must make sure the curtain 
hangs open at least enough 
on the mound not being 
sucked that it is visible.
  
We call this showing off 
our voluptuous.”  There
is a pause as if this must
be truly taken in.  “And if

you happen to have two 
going at once?”  an aud-
ience member goads.  
So Ms. Mullen demon-

strates that the volupt-
uous results in such a case 
can be awe-inspiring, if not 
entirely too compelling to wit-

ness by a generic human (and
I’m exhausted by the fact that
she must mean people of all
sexes; makes me glad I never

had one of the little devils).
This double-do of course is 
double-voluptuous, not
dissimilar to the Wrigley’s

Spearmint Gum twins.  And
because of them as well.
God it sounds so tongue-
in-cheek, but I do love

celebrity gossip (unless
the celebrity is caused
by participation in some
sport; or is one of the 

Kardashians).  I truly am 
taken with this Jenny Mollen 
Biggs (yet why she doesn’t 
appropriately add her hus-

band’s surname, given the
topic of voluptuousness and 
all, is truly beyond me).  But
nothing shatters the fact

that she’s so damned CUTE.  
And to top off this cuteness, 
she cuts into a story (is it
in the book, is all I keep

wondering) about how she 
dropped her son on his head
when he was a toddler, fract-
uring his skull, in fact.  There

is an entire school of guilt,
it turns out, regarding this
apparently ubiquitous and
worrisome event that hap-

pens at least once around
toddler-hood.  This guilt. 
Well, sure.  I suppose I 
get it.  But more than 

anything else, this phe-
nomenon underscores, 
personally, for me, how 
celebrity kids are not much

different than you or me
(not being much of a cel-
ebrity, of course; at least
not yet, anyhow).  It seems 

that there would be excep-
tions to that little rule,
though.  So, are we then
to get psychopathic with

any and all toddler-aged
kids world-wide? I’m so 
sold.  Even thought I’m not 
quite sure yet what the key

word in the title, which,
whoops, is sociopath and
not psychopath, to which
I’d just alluded. My bad. 

And, I’m also more than
a bit in tune with how
influenced I am by this
amazing martyr of a wo-

man who just happens to
be married to the perhaps
underrated but too over-
stated Mister Jason Biggs.

That verity rises above the
crown of my head to form 
the shape of a dizzying halo
Which seems more than right.

I nevertheless look forward 
to embracing my own opinions
on the matter, of course.  At 
some point.  I’m sincerely hoping 

that it isn’t just one more thing 
from which us guys are vehement-
ly exempt (read, disallowed) from 
doing or in participating in any way.  

It does sound nurturing and
a perfectly awesome way
to get in touch with our
feminine side (sparse as

it may be on some of us).
But she sticks with the
story of dropping her son
on his noggin, repeating

the moment’s scene incess-
antly.  And, sadly, I don’t 
believe noggin-fractured
kid is even Biggs’ boy.  

Poor Biggs sits at a
table that is placed as
an obvious display site
for the interview, behind 

and to the left of the ladies 
at the table, front and center. 
He’s on dais a couple feet in
height, so he resembles a

museum exhibit or zoo
animal.  With nothing to
do, really, unless he wants
to meed the gaze of a hostile

audience now and again (and
I suppose I don't spend enough
time on that hostility and where
from whence it might have derived);

we, the audience, see him
refer regularly to a copy of 
his wife’s book.  I notice a
definite Season One Orange

Is the New Black look that is
exacerbated by the obviously
intentional spots that dimly
light his head.  Certainly

there is nothing National 
Lampoon (nor molested
apple pie) about this 
particular version of 

Biggs.  Half-listening
to his wife, I begin to 
nod my head in agree-
ment (her voice has a

very mesmeric quality
to it) as she lures me
back to the impossible
combination that pro-

vides an incredible all-
ure (and I can see that
I’m not at all alone on
this; plus the guests are

at least eighty-five per-
cent female (to these 
eyes, I should appro-
priately add).  In ess-

ence, the moral of this 
story (and presumably
the moral of the book 
she is tandemly touting) 

is don’t drop your kid on 
his or her noggin.  Unless 
it just happens, in which
case, we all should suppose

“Why not; might as well.”
It’s a bit confusing (and
here, I cognizantly attribute
this confusion must be test-

osteron-related) whether 
she’s encouraging the prac-
tice or just finding method-
ology to excuse it; to elim-

inate the guilt that surely 
surrounds and follows one 
after the act of dropping 
your kid head-first on the 

floor, or god-forbid a con-
crete sidewalk, perhaps.  
And, come on, who doesn’t 
drop their child on their head 

at one point or another?  Al-
though I do suppose that mak-
ing a  habit of it might be an 
incrediby alarming thing for

all involve.  I'm not always
the brightest, but even I
know that for real answers 
to these burning questions

on this subject I've never
given a thought to is that
the entire world population
of mothers should be con-

sulted. Scientifically.  As
purely as is convenient.  
Perhaps even a random 
sampling of fathers, too. 

This I think surely due
to the fact that I’d love
to be involved in such 
a census; to affect 

some world knowledge.  
Wouldn’t that be a
kick!  Granted, I've 
never had a child of

my own—that I know of, 
anyway).  Well, I’m not 
even sure Ms. Mollen-Biggs 
is a celebrity or not.  But

she has turned out to be
such a delight to catch.  
And encouraged such ex-
pansion of thought.  And

this isn’t even TMZ (which,
truth be told, I never watch, 
anyway—which my wife 
loves to repeated remind me

that this makes me a complete 
celebrity gossip hypocrite).  It’s
CNN (where I get the brunt of
my celebrity gossip, while try-

ing so hard to skip the rest of
the news altogether.  But.
Celebrity gossip.  What can
you do?  At least when you’re

me.  I can attest to the fact
that I never once spent mon-
ey (mine or anyone else’s)
on a National Enquirer.  I

can even say with some con-
viction that this is a good thing.
And while I cannot say how
good or bad this segment has 

been for anyone in today’s 
audience, I do sincerely
believe that it’s not been 
a great couple of ours for 

our dear Mr. Biggs.  Nor,
perhaps, I must sigh, for
CNN, who decided to take 
this initial plunge into the

‘studies’of his psy-
chotic or pathologic or 
sociopathic, yet oddly
hypnotic wife and her

unpinpointable cause
celebre.  Whatever can 
be said, I’ve certainly
had my moment of

growth today.  And all
of those in attendance 
have surely had one as 
well.  Even with the ad-

mixture of disturbing 
and confusingly comical, 
life-threatening stories
such as this must abound.

I am even certain there
will be things that I learned
from this spectacle which
will only be discovered in

hindsight. So, without even 
delving too deep into the 
disturbing parts (I’m easy 
to tune out, you see, and 

quick on the draw with re-
gard  to such matters).  I 
picture the folks departing
quickly up and out of the

theatre doors and into 
the mid-day sunlight 
as better people for 
having experienced a

spare moment or two on
such a confusing subject
(which I am not convinced
is less confusing than when

off she roiled with the first
few words of the evening) 
(but doesn't that deeper
confusion somehow equal

a relatively higher import-
ance than, say, less confus-
ing stuff.  Like Newton’s Law, 
I suppose.  Anyway, I’d never 

even given this subject a 
chance; or, well, it is one 
that i must admit never once 
crossed my mind in the first place.

That is not until today, when I had 
the honor of attending this fine 
pseudo-political event. Something 
that always comes to mind when I

drop by to one of these town hall 
meetings is that life, you know, is 
honestly a total gamble.  Don’t
you think?  I certainly do.